oft: anecdotes, translated

translated form russian. sorry, if.

board 13: uryupinsk-start! this is board 13, "initial" (exec: i don't know exact meaning of the russian terms, but it looks like it's take-off procedure, initial stage). can i proceed to "executive"?
uryupinsk-start: board 13! "you can touch a penis". uryupinsk-start.
board 13: sorry, uryupinsk, i'm guilty. i request. board 13.
uryupinsk: board 13, i allow. you can touch it.
_________________

-what to do when parachute won't open?
-qucky-quick wave your hands
in a while knock into illuminator: - what then?
_________________

in some airschools an aerodynamics lecturer is ill. comander of company calls a corporal: "listen, panchenko. the lecturer is ill. you should give this lesson.". panchenko: "comrade major, i don't know aerodynamics!". "it doesn't matter. here, read an summary. everything will be ok".
ok, here we go:
- angle of attack of the wing is an angle is the wing profile is blown round by blowing air. normally it should not exceed 12-15 degrees.
question from auditory:
-what degrees, fahrenheit or celsius?
having some time for thinking, corporal answers:
-fahrenheit, of course!
auditory laughs.
corporal:
-ok, ok. i cannot joke with you. certainly celsius!
_________________

navigator to pilot:
-HELL, APPLY THE BRAKES!!!
-DAMN YOU, APPLY THE BRAKES HARDER!!!
-THE RUNWAY ENDS!!! OH, NO!
woosh... stopped.
pilot:
-why the hell it's so short?!
navigator:
-but check out, it's so wide!
_________________

-tower to 1234. the runway is clean. you are cleared to land. confirm by waving your wings.
-1234 to tower. i landed 10 minutes ago. confirm by waving your tower.
_________________

skydiver 1 to skydiver 2: have an apple.
s2 to s2: yeah, thanks.
in a while s1 to s2: here, take another.
s2 to s1: where did you took them?
s1 to s2: you have a whole backpack of 'em!
_________________

-i'd like to fly to frankfurt
-yeah, we have several companies flying there. which one do you prefer?
-what? i'm travelling alone, no companies, please.
_________________

pilot: navigator, the gauge?
navigator: 80
pilot: what 80?
navigator: then what gauge?
_________________

aeroflot liner is landing, a stewardress approaches to a nervous passenger:
-you must be flying first time?
-oh no. i'm flying quite often. but i land this unusual way for the first time. i'm a paratrooper.
_________________

in the flight a cracking and grinding suddenly sounding
one of passenger gets pale and sweety.
his neighbour:
-don't worry. i fly often, and i may ensure you that pilots there in the cockpit know very well what they are doing!
-but i'm a pilot, and i KNOW whet they are doing there!
_________________

a pilot climbed very high, looked down, and exclaimed:
-oh, my God!
-what? - the radio answers
_________________

you can take a brief look at people in the airliner. it's enough to identify stricly the types of them.

first group, they are fastening their betls, and reading newspapers all flight long. they listen to warning messages with a bore on their faces. they are experienced passengers with a long record of flights.

second group, they are curisous, they gaze all around with an interest, trying to touch everything, they cannot manage belt locks, and they listen carefully to warning messages. they are novices. this is their first flight.

third group, they are strain their belts tightly, check the durability of belts several times, close their eyes, and trembling of warning messages. they are pilots.
_________________

-hey, people are so small from here, like ants!
-open your parachute quick, dude! it's ants!
_________________

russian hi-jacking:
-everyone get calm! this aircraft is hi-jacked. you are free to smoke now.
_________________

russian design bureau quit working on intelligent weapon.
they could not kck a test sample of intelligent bomb out of plane at all.
_________________

this is real story, though i shortened it.
"i served a technician on airbase. once comes a comission, and some veterans amongst them. one separated from the group and approaches to me, "can i take a flight, son?" i was shocked. i don't remember, but it was some of supersonic fighters. i say: "i need a permission". he: "we'll arrange it now", and to tower: "allo, semenych? i'll fly i abit, ok?" it looks like he got a permission. ok. he hobbled into the cockpit (old ages, of course), took of, and then... he started to make an amazing aerobatics. landed. "oh, thanks, sonny. you pleased an oldman much." he was about to leave, but turned back and said "sonny, there in the cockpit... on the floor. take it out please. ok?" and stomped away. "damn", i think, "old farter. the death let him to piss off, and he wanted to fly this moment." sweaping, i get into the cockpit expecting to find a vomit, or shit, but i find an empty bottle of cognac... and i understood two things: what is a pilot from God, and why they won the war"
_________________

"...they are shoting our planes down with cruelty when they are trying to peacefully bomb their cities..."
_________________

instructor before parachute jump:
-how's the mood?
puppil:
-good
-belts are ok?
-ok.
-they don't jam your testicles? jump up a little.
-[jumping] no, they don't.
-what's your name?
-Serge.
-ok, Serge, GO! next! how's the mood?
-good
-belts are ok?
-ok.
-they don't jam your testicles? jump up a little.
-[jumping] no, they don't.
-what's your name?
-Natasha.
_________________

British pilot, a veteran of WWII visits Moscow, one of schools, and in English lesson he tells:
-... so, I approach to the target, and unexpectedly i spot two fackers.
Teacher quickly mess in:
-Kids, this way british pilots called german Focke-Wulf fighters
Veteran:
-Oh, yeah! Two fackers in Focke-Wulfs!
_________________

Two women chatting in the airplane. Neigbour:
-why are you talking about airplanes only? trains can get into disasters too. for example, one train was hit by an airplane.
_________________

Say to paratroopers to stop jumping out. We haven't took off yet
_________________

A puppil got the plane into the spin and asks pilot:
-What should I do now?
That one:
-Aren't you instructor?!
_________________

A next version of MiG-31 turned out to be heavier that previous. At first take-off it run into a fence at the end of the runway.
Design bureau undertaken a brainstorm: what should we do with the airplane? Make tha airframe lighter, decrease the load, force up the engines, apply jet boosters?..
Finally they just fetched the fence farther from the runway.
_________________

Examen:
-during take-off your plane bank aside. you decision?
-stick in opposite direction, emergency power!
-wrong answer. you must get out of plane and pull out fuel hose.
_________________

Edinbourg information bureau in airport:
-We ask you, who lost a wallet with 5000 pounds not to crowd the office, we ask you to make a queue, two by two.
_________________

"We must make women-officers from you cadet-girls. I will start it, then other officers from our chair will join up."
_________________

Two stewardress:
-Anyways, I suppose that commander of the plane is in business with control tower.
-You mean they will play that bomb-joke again?
-Be sure, they will turn on autopilot and will probe everything, everything, everything...
_________________

Flying for first time, a passenger ask a stewardress:
-Wouldn't you give us parachutes?
-Why? It's not necessary
-A moth ago I sailed on the ship, and they gave saving jackets to everyone. But the number of those who can swim is much higher that those who can fly!
_________________

Prisoner of Vietnam war, an pilot returns to America and tells the story.
-I was shot down by vietkong pilot Lfu Khim.
-How did you know out his name?
-We tuned the same radio channel with them, and having bandit on my six I heard "Vasiliy, cover me, I Lfu Khim!"
_________________

-Tower, we have our main computer out of order! Do you read me?!
-Board 13, this is Tower. You should play on a spare one! Play on a spare one!
_________________

Real april story:
Stewardress of An-24 (local airliner):
-Bla-bla... New Urengoi... Bla-bla...
Navigator:
-What's up with you?! What Urengoi?! We are going to Ufa, aren't we?
Stewardress:
-Vasiliy, what Ufa?! Urengoi!
Navigator:
-To hell your Urengoi! What the plane you got in? (to passengers)People! Where are you flying to?
-...To Urengoi.
-No joking? Show your tickets, please. Hmm... Indeed... (to pilots) Guys, cancel Ufa, folks want to Urengoi. (pause) Folks! We have to fly to Ufa. No maps to Urengoi.
People are in panic, stewardress bursted into tears. And navigator announces that it was an April joke.
But when tha plane returned from Urengoi, navigator was fired, and comander of the aircraft got an rebuke.
_________________

Local airlines. A mother with 5 year old kid is on the board. A kid is staring at the button and priodically presses it. Mother begs pardon to irritated stewardress of Balzaс age. Finally stewardress asks directly the boy:
-What do you want, kid?
-A wanna a puppet, - and shows the picture at the button.
-Puppet is me!
_________________

they say it's a real story. Let me omit a vast of details. Briefly: some ppl are flying An-2 (single engine prop biplane with fixed undercarriage), some airbase they intended to refuel, but base is engaged in receiving and escadrille of Tu-95 (four engine turbojet strategical bombers). An-2 tuned to tower radio and listening an unlimited boring conversation:
-Board 42, fuel 13 tons, engines ok, gears down, landing.... Board 57, fuel 10.5 tons, engines ok, gears down, landing.... Board 16, fuel 9.9 tons, engines ok, gears down, landing.... Board 28, fuel 11.2 tons, engines ok, gears down, landing.... etc etc about ten bombers.

Tired of this An-2 messes in:
-Board 11, fuel 350kg, one engine working, gears cannot be retracted, request permission to land.

Of course, land immediately alerted an emergency situation, canceled bombers landing, cleared the runway and commanded to land immediately (at thesame sending fire command and medical service to the runway), and in the eyes of all these disturbed people, this majestic An-2 proudly lands.
_________________

really from Yak-9T manual?
"If wheel brakes are not working on the landing, pilot should open fire from NS37"
_________________

also from some long range plane instruction:
"If location or orientation is not calculable, you must fly rounds and wait for dawn".
_________________

co-pilot: "our deed is right - not to mess the left!"
_________________

prisoned soldier escapes to friendly dislocation. "guys, learn technical data well. they beat for ignorance".
_________________

-board xxx, name your plane!
-tu-154
-first class?
-affirmative
-must be big?
-roger
-that's why you don't fit your echelon?
_________________

uff, tired... excuse my english. and sorry for the time you spent

 

very funny!

hahaha very funny stuff exec! thanks for translating!

And believe me, your english is better than mine! and it is my first language

Mike AFI M

 

Great, exec

 

Dunno if it's really from manual but it was standard ground braking procedure for pilots of 1 PLM "Warszawa" when flying yaks 9t

 

sepukked

 

Re: Re: oft: anecdotes, translated

ROTFL

 

doh!

 

Hahahahahaha ! good post

 

Vietnam war pilot joke is all wrong!

The real name was "Fak Kim Up" and it was from Korean war.

"Vasiliy, cover me, I Lfu Khim!" - "Vasiliy. cover me! I Fak Kim Up!"

 

korean or vietnamese, rox anyway!

 

some more:

some pilot worked in some airlines (aeroflot?). the team was eager for joking, and after international flight they put shoved a condom into that pilot's pocket. just for fun.
pilot gets home, and finally his wife finds this condom.
she asks furisously where did he took this condom from and what for?
the pilot was not confused and asked calmly, that airlines warned us that that country has an epidemy of syphilis, so the staff equipped us with one piece of condom.
a scandal was avoided.
but a day later his wife call by phone to her friend, a wife of another pilot from the same team, and tells about this condom, being proud that his faithful husband saved this condom. and did your husband took that condom back to home?


they say it's a real story, and very probably real.
some 1950th, a comander of israel air forces is ezer weizman. airforces suffered from poor equipment, so photo-recon was accmplished by light prop planes.
so, one of those planes approaching for landing. right under approach, there was a summer type showel, without roof. and this shower is tightly stuffed with woman officers. the pilot was about to take a picture, but recalled that this film is going directly to high command, so he refused to do it. he reported the flight, returned to mates and told the story.
some time later, tehre is a phone call for that pilot.
-- <name> is on the phone
-- ezer weizer speaking. is that you who approached beyond the showels full of girsl?
-- me...
-- have you filmed it?
-- no...
-- fool!

oops. only two worth.

 

how to distinct fighter-pilot from bomber-pilot from the back?
you tap his shoulder.
bomber pilot should make a dignified turn and ask "What?"
fighter pilot will will quickly turn, punch into your nose and then will ask "What?"
___________

first soviet trans-continental rocket, named simply R-1, that used clean alcohol as fuel. they say that one of combat generals said: "well, it must be beautiful. you launch this rocket. it may even hit the city. but you fuel it with 4 tons of alcohol. give it to my division, and my soldiers will capture this city at once!"
___________

-- doctor, i'm a delta-planerist, and i...
-- i am surgeon! psychiatrists is next door.
___________

scientists of physics chair of N research centre proved that hair-drier can make a strong aerial resistance that can slow down miscellaneous vehicles. experiments took place on highways. an operator directed hair-dresser to incoming cars. despite of their aerodynamics they loose their speed and could accelerate only after passing the operator.
at the same time specialists of linguistic chair of the same institute gathered a huge material based on folk phraseology and metalinguistic expressions of drivers passed the operator with hair-dresser.
___________

-- greetings, earthling!
-- hello, alien! let me shake your hand!
-- carefull, earthling. i did not say that this is hand.
___________

during flight one of passengers get faint. pilots asked if someone with medical qualification can afford a help. another passenger stands up, goes to ill one and makes necessary medical aid, then returns to his place. his neighbour asks:
-- what happened?
-- a man felt bad. i'm a doctor, and i helped him.
-- have you gave him a bill?
-- nope. it's not quite right. why you ask?
-- i'm a lawyer. being in your shoes i'd send him a bill.
-- thank you for advice. may be i'll use it sometimes.
the plane lands and doctor goes home where he finds a bill for law consultation.
___________

an airliner cancels take-off run and return to the terminal. passengers quit plane and return aboard in a half of an hour. they ask:
-- what happened?
stewardress:
-- commander of air vessel did not like the vibration and sound of right engine. but don't worry, the commander is replaced.
___________

an aircrew goes across the flight field and see a stewardress going in front of them.
commander of air vessel:
-- look, what a chassis!
navigator:
-- better check out the external tanks!
to engineer:
-- and why do you keep silence?
engineer:
-- it's your deal to chat. my work is to take-off the cover and test in all regimes.
___________

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
___________

heavy cargo plane stands on the field with airman sleeping under the wing. a little boy approaches and asks:
-- can this airplane make a dead loop?
-- negative
-- and barrel roll?
-- nope
-- may be cobra?
-- no
-- so, what it makes?
-- money, boy. it makes money.
___________

(real) a cargo helicopter carries an agricultural tractor, going in clouds with tractor under. a pilot of another plane:
-- <id> to tractor, visual you. we'll diverge with right boards.
-- tractor to <id>. roger. diverge with right boards.
___________

last week a pilot of merhact aviation broke the sound barrier. he managed to insert a pair of phrases into chat of mother-in-law with neighbour women out of the town on cottage.
___________

our airplane fallen into air-pockets all the way. paratroopers must be digging their treches.
___________

helicopters are souls of destroyed tanks.
___________

in australian airport custom:
-- have you ever seen prison?
englishman:
-- is it still necessary to enter the country?
___________

(real) a fighter is going to be transferred by cargo plane.
fighter technics:
-- when this barn is going to take-off?
cargo technic calmly pointing at the fighter:
-- as soon as that cattle is loaded
___________

post-perestroika times. a military plant converted to civil production. a comission with plant director goes into and see the refrigerator stuck in the ceiling.
director:
-- well?
silence...
director a bit louder:
-- well?!
a wisper from the back of the crowd:
-- fall shit, fall down!

 

LOL EXEC!!!!

Some more:

What is that big fan in front of an airplane for?
It's to keep the pilot cool. This can be demonstrated by turning it off in mid air. Watch the pilot sweat when you do that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

(real)
Found on a post-flight form in an experimental aircraft:
"Plane characteristics and flight very good, except for a very rough auto-land system."
Reply by ground technicians:
"Autoland not equipped on this aircraft."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bunch of paratroopers go for their first airdrop. All recruits are quite anxious and every now and then the sergeant REALLY has to persuade his recruits to take the jump. Then he grabs a guy that REALLY doesn't want to jump. A fight starts and the sergeant manages to kick the recruit out of the aircraft. One of the other recruits looks at the sergeant in wonder and the sergeant says: "Are you going to be such a pain-in-the-ass as the previous guy?"

"No sir," says the recruit. "I just want to know why you kicked the pilot out.".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flying is simple. There's four rules:
1. The art of flying consists of throwing yourself into the ground and miss.
2. When you look outside, you'll see two things: a lot of blue and a lot of green. As long as you see more blue then green, all is ok.
3. Every crash you can walk away from is called a "landing".
4. Keep the amount of take-offs equal to the amount of landings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another post-flight form on an military aircraft:
"Something loose in cockpit"
Response:
"Something tightened in cockpit"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And yet another form:
"Dead bugs on windshield"
And the obligatory response:
"Live bugs on order."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YET another form:
"Left inside main tire almost needs replacement"
Answer:
"Almost replaced left inside main tore"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one'd scare me:
"Evidence of leak on right main landing gear"
"Evidence removed"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another one:
"Aircraft handles funny"
And the answer:
"Aircraft warned to straighten up, ""fly right,"" and be serious"

hmmm, how pedegogically correct!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last form:
"Engine number 3 missing"
And the answer:
"Engine found under right wing after brief search"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for now......

 

Some more:

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flight 1234, for noise-prevention, turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Flight 1234, have you ever heard the noise a 350-ton 747 makes when it hits a 250-ton 767?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Freehost pilot won't turn or say "what", he'll grab his stick and start jinking it rapidly in all directions.

 

Unless he's used to buffs... He'll scream "T, T" and bank to the right and the left, never pulling more then 3 G's.

Then, the other one will complain about "Sniper Otto's" and call him a cheater.

 

Some from Brazil

In a class of kamikase's students in Japan,the teacher give to the class all the instructions how to do a kamikase flight.Conclude the lesson,the students and his teacher go to the field.There,the professor go to a flight to give a example to the news "kamikases".His entering his plane,start the engine,and turns to the cadets and say seriously:

Pay attention in this lesson,i'll make only one...only one!

 

...and still is. But in WB doesn't work so good like in real

 

... Damn... Imagine being a cattle-farmer near their airfield: BAM! BAM! BAM! MOOOOOOOOOO!

"Shit, another Yak9t with busted brakes.... Well, hamburgers for dinner, today!"

 

Private: Reporting that your order is accomplished!
Corporal: I haven't ordered you anything...
Private: Exactly! We did not anything!

(real?)Afganistan, Soviet military presence.
Some commission, probably from Prosecutors, landing in Mi-8 (cargo copter). Landing is planned to be quick, without engine stopping. Board engineer goes outdoor, get on all fours, makes a geste inviting to follow him, and crawls on away from the copter. All members of the comission makes the same: get on all fours and crawls this way. Having covered about 20 meters, engineer stands up, wave the hand in the direction that comission must go, return to the board walking board by foot, as usual, and flies away.

tower: board XXX, report your altitude.
XXX: 10000 meters
XXX: ... oh, sorry, it's 10-o'clock.

the government of Palestinian authonomy forbidden entrance for the tanks with noise exceeding 90 decibells.

-- private Ivanov!
-- yes!
-- pick a brick. shot down the aircraft!
-- with a brick?!
-- are you communist?
(breaks the brick against the knee into two parts) -- i'll shot down two of them!!!