A guy brags to his friend: "I was on a safari in Africa. Got to shoot a lion, few zebras and dozen notmes." "Notmes?" asks friend "Yeah, the little brown thingies that run around and yells Not me! Not me!"
Subject: Harleys... The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been Such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your Reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one Who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without A road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!" "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key Words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding My invention than yours."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ?That?s the ugliest baby that I?ve ever seen. Ugh!? The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ?The driver just insulted me!? The man says: ?You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I?ll hold your monkey for you.?
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ?Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.? The man then replies: ?Yeah, well we were married 35 years.?
The Funniest Joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. The Funniest Joke in Austria This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ?Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What?s WRONG with me, Doctor!?? The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ?Well, I can tell you that there ain?t nothing wrong with your eyesight?.? The Funniest Joke in Belgium. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. The Funniest Joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ?That?s not it? and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ?That?s it.?
Ask a Silly Question I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid bitch... why else would I buy dog food?
LOOOL, I gotta memorize that one! Hopefully I won't have forgotten it before I get a chance to use it.
You must have heard this one: A young couple decided to have their first child and subscribe to a modern approach in answering questions in the most honest way possible. They have a boy and he is four years old now walking about town with his father when they come upon two dogs on the street corner in full heat- "in flagrante delicto". What are those dogs doing, Daddy? he asks. The father remembering the promise answers; "Why they are making puppies." The child accepts the answer and they move on with their walk. Many months later one night the child is awoken by some strange noises and he gets up to investigate. He walks by his parents bedroom and the door is slightly open and he looks in to catch sight of his parents also "in flagrante delicto". "What are you and Mommy doing Daddy?" The parents again try to answer in the best way possible. "We are making love and soon you will have a baby brother, wouldn't that be nice?" The little boy cries aloud in a sense of panic and urgency. NO NO! I don't want a baby brother. Turn her around Daddy, quick, I want a puppy!
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
I have found this history in an old magazine. It´s from the Reader´s Digest from July 1961 that I had found around my house. Barracks real Joke 'Doing a research about flight security, I saw a relatory about a training´s accident. Explaining how the disaster had happened, the young cadet have wrote: "I landed very agreeablely, but I slided more than the normal over the runway; I passed through the runway´s end, I broke a fence and went to the meeting to a trunk. Then I lost the control."' LOL
HILLYBILLY DAYVORCE A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."
THE LOVE DRESS A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. ' What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
A guy came to Optometrist. Doctor asked him what's wrong. He replied by taking out his cock, putting it on the table and pointing out on lots of yellow pimples all over it. Shocked optometrist replied: "What a hell is wrong with you?!? I am not dermatologist!, he is just accros the hallway, go there." The guy replied: "But doctor, you see those yellow pimples on my cock...?, whenever I poke 'em that brings me tears in my eyes"!
eve came to adam and said: "let's be friends? i'd like you to love me" adam answered: "how's that possible? you don't have a hole for my prick!" eve came to woodpecker and asked him to drill a hole in her body, so adam would love her. since then woodpecker has a red head. she came to adam again and said: "now, i have a hole" adam observed it and asnwered: "nah, it does not have hair around it" eve gone to monkey and asked to grant some fur so adam would accept her. monkey gave a grasp fur and now monkeys have ass naked. eve returned to adam: "look! now has a hair around pussy" adam checked the situation and said: "well, you still don't have lubrication. it's impossible" eve searched for herring and asked to give some mucus to her for adam. ...since then history cannot tell exactly whether pussy smells like herring, or else herring smells like pussy...
"doc, can you check my penis?" "ok, show it............... well, looks that it's all right. i see no problem. what are you worrying about?" "i ain't worrying. just showing how cool is it!"