A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near thebroken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
Why Men Pee Standing Up Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked. "Brains," God said.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your health, your children, your job, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
LOL good ones malino ok i'll add one, some may already know it. a blind guy goes into this bar, and says to the bartender, hey, bartender, want to hear a really good blonde joke? the bartender replies, well.... i should warn you that i'm a blonde, and the fellow behind you is 265 pounds and blonde, the fellow to your right is 285 pounds and blonde. so i must ask you, do you still really want to tell that blonde joke!? the blind man replies, well.. hell no! not if i have to explain it 3 times ! lol ba dum boom (simulated drum roll)
I luv this one, Mal. I call it a LL's JOKE = a Lesson and a Laugh. @bullet lol And heres mine: NEWSPAPER There was a plane crash in Poland A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. LOL!
Especially for Jefim... What do you get when you combine two of the jokes above? This joke! A guy is granted a meeting with the pope to be blessed and everything. And he is excited! I mean, this guy has been a devout catholic throughout his life, so the pope's blessing is a really big thing for him. Anyway, he comes to Rome and goes to his hotel. After a good night sleep he dresses up and leaves for the Vatican. He is taken to the papal palace and waits in a small room, surrounded by expensive works of art. 10 minutes later, a swiss guard (the pope's bodyguards) walks in and takes the man along to meet the pope. He walks in, falls to his knees in front of the pope and kisses the pope's ring. The pope blesses him and asks him to sit down next to him and have a little chat. So this guy sits down and is all like: "Geez, what am I going to say to him? Can't ask him about his wife and kids, obviously.... You know what, I'll just start off with a little joke!" "Your holiness, would you like to hear a little joke?" "Yes, son. I enjoy a good laugh." So he starts and says: "Well, okay then.... You see, there's this polish guy that walks into a bar and...." but the pope interrupts him. "My son, do you know that I am polish?!?!?!?!" "Oh, I'm sorry your holiness. In that case I'll tell this joke REALLY slow!"
Snappy answers: Hey guys, lets keep this going, if anything it brightens up an otherwise boring day. Todays contribution: Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Found this jokes around the net. The first is a radio transmition between traffic control center and a Boeing 707. The second one is kinda dark humor. "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?" ************************************* SANTA CLAUS! Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, " I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years--but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "I'm not supose to tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff..." Poor animal! LOL!
ok heres another, i received this from a friend, enjoy Subject: Good Catholic Girls A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and they all perish. They all wind up in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it!"
Are you a hunter?? Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Got this in an email today: Perks of being a man 1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work. more pay. 11. Wrinkles-add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 17. One mood, ALL the damn time. 18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. 19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase 20. You can open all your own jars. 21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." 27. No maxi-pads. 28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes. 32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 33. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. 36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes. 37. The world is your urinal. -glas-
lol good one's guys, what was it that chris farley used to say?? oh yeah, me likey keep em coming bullet
lol, good stuff. My contribution for today: A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife " Y'know sumpin we have a wonderful new system at de fire station" " Bell 1 rings we put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole, Bell 3 rings we jump on de engine and we' s ready to go, from now on when I says Bell 1 I want you to strip naked, Bell 2 you jump on de bed and when says Bell 3 we' s gonna mek love all tru de night" The next night he came home from work and shouted Bell 1 and she stripped, Bell 2 and she jumped on the bed. After a few minutes the wife yelled Bell 4 " What de hell is bell 4 " he asked and she replied " Roll out more hose man, You ain't nowhere near de fire " Mal
I can't help it, I have to post my stupid joke here too! --> The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. MUHAHAHAHAH!!!
An English lady goes alone on vacation to the Caribbean as her husband was unable to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, 'he can not tell her'. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady replies. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man responded. and the lady bursts into laughter, The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "Its just that my husband won't believe me when I tell him I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"
My turn!!!! Some might be a bit over the top though.... ------------------------------- Q. What kind of file do you need to turn a 1 inch hole into a 3 inch hole? A. A pedophile. -------------------------------- Mary had a little shock, For men who wanted fanny. She made them grope her throbbing cock, coz Mary was a trannie. --------------------------------- Q. What do you call a female copper who shaves her pubic hair? A. Cuntstubble ---------------------------------- Two piles of vomit are talking in a bar. Suddenly one of them burst into tears. The second Vomit turned to the one crying and said "What's wrong with you?" The first Vomit said "Oh, it's this place, it's sentimental to me...it's where I was brought up." ------------------------------------ This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription." -------------------------------------- Scientists have found that women DO have intelligent DNA in them. Unfortunately the majority tend to spit it out. -------------------------------------- Q. Why is a woman like a bowling ball? A. You pick it up, finger it, and throw it down the alley. --------------------------------------- Q. How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman? A. Shit in her pussy! ---------------------------------------- Q. What do you say to a man with a three-inch dick? A. Hahahahahahahaha!!!! ----------------------------------------
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says... "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
