oft: anecdotes, translated

-- Again, I want to see Paris.
-- Have you been there before?
-- Nope. I want it again.

"In the case of airraid alert hide under this urinal. It was not hit yet."

some say it's real story.
once in ww2 germans began to build a false airbase with all objects and buildings made of wood. they done it with usual german accuracy. when they finished, a single british bomber dropped a wooden bomb onto flight field.
some others goes on with this story. germans deciced that british consider this base as a false, transfer real units there. after they finished, brits bomber the base down to dust, and finished the run with dropping a note 'that's another affairs'.

 

Butter and bread

http://www.sukhoi.ru/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=13418

During software development one always must fight the law of butter and bread, i.e. programs always have bugs. Here's some technological and advertising methods offered, on the sample of butter and bread situation.

1."Terminological influence". After butter and bread have fallen on the floor, you rename butter and bread. As a result, butter is on top.

2."Duplicating the active layer with following redefinition". Butter is spread on both sides of bread. After the fall, lower butter must be excluded from the consideration. The rest is bread with butter on the top.

3."Safety covering". You spread caviar over butter, that must defend butter in the case of fall.

4."Inversion with pre-reserving". On the places where butter and bread is assumed to land you put pieces of bread. After the fall you remove upper layer. Bread is laying with butter up.

5."Timely assembling". Having bread fallen, you spread butter on it.

6.<foolish>

7."Rational". You exlude butter and bread from your ration.

8."Posthumanitarian". Butters and breads fallen are given to your guests.

9."Perpendicular". You spread butter on the rib of bread.

10.<unable to translatable>

11."Injection". You melt butter and inject it into bread with syringe.

12."Active layer replacement". You use margarine instead of butter. Let him fall any way it wants.

13.<boring>

14."Pressing method". After the fall you press butter and bread with 12-ton press. It's incidentally now where butter and bread sides are.

15."Diffusion method". You pass butter and bread through meat grinder. Repeat it four times. In the case of fall you cannot tell where butter and bread are.

16."Documentary method". Particular situation of "Terminological influence". Most used method. After butter and bread fallen, you release documentation explaining that this the normal way, and some methods to avoid it.

17."American method". In the documentation it's said that you cannot let fall butter and bread, throw them up higher than 2 meters, use non-standard butters, <non-translatable>, heat them up over 100°C. Also, you cannot spread butter when you are hanging upside down. But in any case the manufactures is free from responsibility.

18."Student method". You prepare two butters and breads. You put one on the floor withthe butter up, and you demostrate the fall of another. After fall, you hide second butter and bread, and expose first one.

19.<boring>

20.<boring>

21."Joiner method". You stick bread to the table with joining glue, so it cannot fall at all.

0."Maddox's method". In principle, bread cannot fall with butter down. Finally, what do you know about butter and bread?

 

puzzles a la nicae

you are in the airplane following the car and chased by the horse. where are you?

what you must to do when you see a little green man?

what is green spotted and jumps?

what is 15cm long, 7cm wide, and adored by women?

over 40000000 people do it at night. what is it?

what you cannot eat for breakfast?

what is the question the noone can answer "yes" on?

what can you take off from naked secretary woman?

where the chiken goes when it crosses the street?

what word always sounds wrong?

how many programmers needed to replace the bulb?

 

1. A monopoly board?

The 40000000 people either sleep, snore or shag at night.

Giving an example of a negative response is something no one could answer 'yes' to, but that would be too easy...

-glas-

 

well, i think that guessing those stupid puzzles is boring enough.

you are in the airplane following the car and chased by the horse. where are you?
ON THE CAROUSEL

what you must to do when you see a little green man?
YOU MUST CROSS THE STREET

what is green spotted and jumps?
PARATROOPER

what is 15cm long, 7cm wide, and adored by women?
100$

over 40000000 people do it at night. what is it?
SURFING INTERNET

what you cannot eat for breakfast?
DINNER AND SUPPER

what is the question the noone can answer "yes" on?
"ARE YOU SLEEPING?" WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING

what can you take off from naked secretary woman?
HER BOSS

where the chiken goes when it crosses the street?
TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET

what word always sounds wrong?
WRONG

how many programmers needed to replace the bulb?
NONE. IT'S A HARDARE PROBLEM.

 

lol!!

 

first of all, i want to know your opinion.
on other Russian forums appeared jokes about Columbia shuttle. may be not much about death, more about the situation and reaction. plus some allusions. is someone curious to read them? and does anyone know that Ukrainian Air Defence shot down Russian passenger airliner over Black Sea accidentally during training?
__________________________

the war in Iraq definitely must begin. the only question is to be sure that Iraq has no weapon of mass destruction.
__________________________

Soviet military presence in Eastern Germany, year 198x. In Dresden, soviet army invites German officers to the 7th November Holiday (the day the socialistic revolution in the monarch Russia started). It's a very significant situation, 'cause it turns out to be international action with political nuance. As usual, first part is official, second is banquet. For official part lecture/report a general-lieutenant (=lieutenant general) comes from the very Moscow. Again, as usual, a lecture is prepared on several tens of paper sheets, about success of socialistic society, about growing strength of international friendship, about important mission of Soviets in Eastern Germany, etc etc.
A young lieutenant, of very intelligent look, loving German culture and language ardent, but very inappropriate for military service, was assigned as a translator. No significant exploits. The only way for military career is to please this "general from Moscow". With an enormous eagerness this lieutenant translated general's 4-hour speech synchronically. German colleagues concentrated all their will to be polite not to fall asleep to complicate political situation. German officers are educated people, therefore they played interest to this lecture. Anyways, to the end of 4th hour, it was clear that Germans are about to fall into coma even to general. To loosen the atmosphere, general decided to tell an anecdote...
Young translator paused nervously, and with the voice trembling he said (in German):
-- Dear guests... Closing the report, general told you an anecdote. I cannot catch it's sense even on my native language. If you have any condolence to me, I beg you not to reveal it, and give some applause to the lecturer.
Usually being very restrained, German officers fallen on the floor laughing and applauded loudly. The general was very content. And lieutenant was promoted to captain in month.
__________________________

US Army briefing.
-- There a regiments in Red Army, named Mariners. One their mariner is worth three ours. Moreover, they have troop squads, named Blue Berets. One their Blue Beret is worth five our Commandos. That's a rubbish, anyways. They have forces named Constructor Battalion. They even are not given the weapon.
__________________________

From Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Russia Public Relations we have known out that Russia decided to send to Iraq a little contingent, containing:

Air-troop Forces (exec: the Blue Berets just mentioned), 4 regiments (quantity is being justified currently)

SpetzNaz (exec: Special Task Forces, Army Reconnaissance and Saboteurs), 3 brigades (quantity is being justified currently)

Moto-infantry division "Live Head", 86 tanks, 142 "Shilka"s, 108 BMP infantry vehicles

GRAD system (exec: S2S missiles), 70 machines

SMERCH system (exec: S2A missiles), 127 machines

Anti-aircraft missile regiments, 478 sets, 42 crew

"Luch" plant, 17 specialists, equipment

Laser-3000, 8 specialists, equipment

DUGA company, 4 specialists, equipment

mailbox 01245256578 (exec: index of army garrison? dunno), 3 specialists, equipment

mailbox 25784551455, 2 specialists, equipment

mailbox 55525428654, 2 specialists, equipment

mailbox 80005466648, 4 specialists, equipment

Chemical plant "Dymok(exec: little smoke)", 4 specialists, equipment

"RadioTeleAccusticPribor" joint venture, 3 specialists, equipment

Communistic party of Russia, 67589 workers

Labour Russia, 53578 workers

LDPR (exec: Liberal Democratic Party of Russia), 187545 workers and military crew

Children hackers, 12-15 age old, 16 men

Equipment RS, 4 pieces

Others, 27562 men
__________________________

Airline flight, everything calm and still. Out of the blue, airmen taking on parachutes on the run thru passengers salon.
-- What happened?!
-- Never mind. We have business problems.
__________________________

Weathercock was fixed mortally. The doomed wind blown in the direction shown...
__________________________

Jack was a born ace. When America-Japanese conflict raged, he was sent into the battle immediately, without any training or preparation. Started from aerocarrier, Jack immediately destroyed 6 Japanese aircrafts. He climbed to 7000m, and killed 10 more bogies. And t this moment Jack noticed his fuel is low. He dived and landed on the aerocarrier perfectly. he jumped out of the cockpit and asked the ship captain:
-- So, what do you think of my first combat?
-- Veli-veli good! But you make wan impoltant ellol...
__________________________

The most convenient way to tell the truth is do it from the tank
__________________________

-- From following five objects take one that don't related to others: airplane, helicopter, spaceship, tramway, cannabis.
-- Obviously, the cannabis. It's not a vehicle.
-- Wrong. It's tramway, since it's only thing you cannot get high with.
__________________________

(real) Current (or recent) Caucasus conflict. It was a combat in some village. Enemies took a brick building and had excellent opportunities to keep the street under fire. Our troops were hiding behind corner of another building without possibility to go out. Our troops could not use artillery or aviation support. It must be noticed tha the bullets of AK-74 had a high tendency to ricochets, so our guys felt very uncomfortably. Amongst us, there was a lad, a system administrator in civil life. After next stray bullet whistled close to his head, his nerves gave up. The lad roaring "IDDQD!!!" stood up and rushed into attack. Other guys followed him. It sounds paradoxical, but enemies did not expected such a behaviour and lost the moment when entire our group shouting some unimaginable entered their building. After all, the village became ours. Some were wounded lightly, noone lethal. System administrator passed it with just a light fright, despite of he was leading the attack. This evening one of our officers asked what admin shouted. The answer was the silence astonished, then words: "Have you ever heard of DOOM?"
However, this keyword became a combat call of that group. Can you imagine the eyes of that officer when someone finally explained what "IDDQD" means?

 

-- Dear passengers! Our train is going to take-off from eigth berth.
____________________________

Flying carpets are now accesible in markets. They don't look different to usual carpets, and don't cost different to aircrafts.
____________________________

A terrorist broken into pilot's cockpit and demands to change the heading. Pilot to traffic control:
-- We have a highjack. Terrorist demands to change the heading.
Ground:
-- Checking now... Aha, yes. According to custom declaration, you have 93kg of hexogen on-board. That moment we were guessing, what do you need so much for?
____________________________

A survivor of aircraft crash is surrounded by African aborigens.
-- I, white man, peaceful pilot, in iron bird. Iron bird fall and die. I survive.
Chief:
-- Well, well, man. So, why are you speaking like a moron?
____________________________

-- Captain, we have a breach under waterline!
-- Can it be fixed?
-- No way, sir!
-- Prepare life-boat.
-- No life-boats, cap!
-- Then prepare life-jackets!
-- We have only one!
Captain grabs it and jumps out.
-- Captain, April joke!
"Hmm... Indeed, I felt something's wrong. What brech, what waterline?" thought captain approaching to the ground.
____________________________

After an airliner took off stewardresses find out that for 100 passengers they have only 40 portions of meal.
-- Ladies and gentlemen. If you give up eating this flight in favour of another passenger, you may drink all flight long.
...
-- Ladies and gentlemen. In case you are hungry, we have 38 portions left.
____________________________

We think to remove black-boxes from aircrafts. No sense to listen the swears of falling pilots, since they don't differ from their swear on the ground.
____________________________

-- Navigator, what is the wind?
Navigator opens the window and put his head out of aircraft. Then he get back into.
-- It's frontal, captain!
____________________________

-- To passengers attention!
Flight to Krasnoyarsk is delayed to 23:00 due to technical reasons.
Flight to Khabarovsk is delayed to tomorrow, because it's not arrived yet.
Flight from Volgograd is delayed by 3 hours due to late departure.
Flight 3005 is arrived but cannot take-off again.
Flight 5003 is departed, but it's doubtful it ever arrive.
Flights after 5th are delayed to 9th.
Aircraft from Izhevsk don't arrive, hell knows why...
That way our brave workers of civil aviation are commiting sabotage against Bin Laden's grim plans.
____________________________

Humans are paradoxal. If you shout "AAA!!!" in the library, people won't understand you. If you do the same in aircraft, people will join you.
____________________________

After the case, when the explosive was transferred on board in boots, the American customs demand passengers to take shoes off and to put it into scaner. Now American customs are dreaming for some woman to carry the explosive in the brassiere.
____________________________

-- A flight from Australia is crashed... Irina, sweety, can you tell it to anticipants as delicate as possible.
-- ANTICIPANTS OF THE FLIGHT FROM AUSTRALIA! Go home...
____________________________

If you are dirtied by the bird, think of it optimistically. After all, the skies are full of airplanes!
____________________________

Just married are in the airliner.
-- Well, c'mon!
-- It's impossible here!
-- I cannot stand it anymore!
-- Ok, let's go to the toilet room
...
-- Ok, put on condom... Oh, how nice!
...
Intercom:
-- Mister and missis Ivanov! We know what are you doing in the toilet room. Please, extinguish your cigarettes, and take the condom from fire detector!
____________________________

A passenger to luggage service officer
-- Dear, can you send this case to Moscow, and that bag to London?
-- It's impossible, sir!
-- Oh, how good. Last year you distributed my luggage that way exactly.
____________________________

-- Can you tell to passengers that we have no way to avoid the crash into the sea?
-- Dear passengers! We are flying experimental plane. We are going to land on water, and then take-off again.
Two on the water:
-- Hey, bro! What's the joke? They took off and left us two here?
____________________________

-- Can I use ladies toilet room? Gentleman's is busy, and I'm impatient?
Stewardess:
-- Ok, but don't push any buttons there
Of course he presses firth button and gets manicure.
He presses second one and gets cosmetics make-up.
He presses third one, with "ATR" title, and wakes up in the hospital.
-- What happened?
-- You flown on airplane and pushed ATR button? Your penis is under your pillow.
-- Hmm. What?!
-- It's automatic tampon removal.
____________________________

An airplane with three men aboard is crashing. Only two cutes for them.
First: I have a family, children! I must feed them! I must be saved!
Second gives him a pack, and first one jmsp out.
Third: Ok, how we will share one parachute?
Second: It's ok. We have two. His family starved and I gave him a sack of potatoes.
____________________________

A passenger sneezes constantly, and put the handkerchief into his trousers.
Neighbour woman passenger plays ingorance. But not too long.
-- What are you allow yourself?!
-- I have a very rare dicease. Every time I sneeze, I feel an orgasm.
-- So what are you taking by this reason?
-- A PEPPER!!!
____________________________

Stewardress: Do you want to eat, sir?
Passenger: What choise do I have?
Stewardess: "Yes" or "No"
____________________________

Analysis of emergency crash landing:

First pilot, commander: It's my fault. I made a wrong approach.

Navigator: No, it's my fault. I build a wrong route, and set a wrong altitude.

Engineer: No, it's my fault. I set wrong engines regime.

Second pilot: Damn, folks! You were about to kill me!!!
____________________________

A passenger in binds and gypsum ask stewardess to allow him to exit plane. Astonished stewardress goes to pilot and tells about it.
-- He's so... in binds and gypsum?
-- Yes, he is.
-- Ah, ok. Let him out. He allways exits here.

 

Real titles of commercial companies. Somewhere in Russia.

-Styx, offering bed-clothes
-Anubis, taxi agency
-Aid, tobacco shop
-Trojan, guard agency
-Centaurus, butcher's shop
-Minotaurus, butcher's shop too
-Kind people, non-specified commerce

 

Is Your Son a Computer Hacker?

 

LMAO!!! What the fuck is this ???

 

what do you mean?

 

I mean:

Only proveed damage done by Quake and other shotter games is kamikaze behaviuor in FH skies

LMAO!!! Alternative software is devil's work

BTW, since when meningitis is a psychological diesase ?

I mean, who wrote this shit ? Looks like a big company's spam to destroy alternative software's image.

 

-- Privates! Meningit is a dicease causing either death or foolness for the rest of live. For example, me and my brother in the youth fall sick with this dicease, and my brother died.
________________________________

http://www.sukhoi.ru/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=13727

 

the student's last problem

 

Mengitis...I don't just find any translation for the disease ..anyone?

 

http://www.britannica.com/search?query=meningitis&ct=&fuzzy=N

 

Thank you exec ,now I got it in finnish ...My condolences about your brother bud

 

You idiot, it's a joke. Reread it slowly and carefully

 

U exec(ute) me idiot Many other jokes there I didn't get thought ..my bro also dead