Most Painful #$%&# thing ever #$@&^% just happenned to $%##%^&% me: %$#@#%^&!!!! I am sitting here with no pants, which I am often wont to do, surfin the net. No, I ain't watching porn, it is just hot day outside, hence, no trousers or gaunch or shirt, me nude; and that isn't normally a point making point thing which would have nothin to do with this story except it is important, as you will see in the next paragraph, see? I normally don't tell anyone during an 'Irish Story' that I was nude during the living of the story, um. Where the fuck was I? Oh. Okay, so I am sittin here watchin the fuckin internet. The Woman Who Is Always Here is, well, here and she wanders off and I hear her russlin around in the kitchen and I think, 'Oh, goody, she gonna bring me somethin.' Wrongo. She comes wanderin back in and is stuffin her face with a jam sandwich. So, I got a real hardon for somethin to eat now and I head over to the kitchen, see? I get out some Kimchi Noodles I keep there in the cupboard, there. And I boil some water and it makes a quick and handy snack! Just like the fuckin commercials say on the television. So, I make the noodles and I wander on over and sit, cross legged, on my floor, by my laptop. I live a bit like a Jap, bein as I live on the floor most times, they is some cushions here and lots of room and not much furniture so I am living a bit like a jap see, on the floor because I got hardly any furniture in here and... I already said that. So, I got these Kimchi and I am, well, about to learn why my mother used to reach across the table and hit me when I was leanin over my food. She would scream "Bradley! We aren't heathens at this table and we DON'T EAT LIKE HEATHENS.' Each word accented by a whack with a spoon on my head. Fuck that used to hurt. but I got the message. Don't lean over yer fuckin plate while yer eatin. Well, Kimchi comes in a bowl, right? Not a plate. And my mom ain't here. Right? So, I got the bowl there, and I am hoverin over it and I am using a fork to fish the spiciest noodles made anywhere on the whole planet there, right by my cock and balls, see? That is where the bowl of those spicey fuckin noodles is, see? And I am lookin, and tryin to get the things to roll up like spaghetti does when you been taught by your mother how to eat it. Ya roll it up usin a fork and a spoon, and never mind, if ya don't know how to do it yer eatin like a no good heathen devil and I ain't agonna teach ya. So, I am hoverin over my Kinchi like that, see? And I got a big fuckin wad of it wrapped around my fork and then SPLOOSH a big strand of it flops back into the broth and a big splash of the fuckin spiciest broth made anywhere goes straight up and splashes into one of me EYES. JESUS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. IT HURTS IT HURTS, so I panic see? You would panic if you got chili oil and fish sauce in one of yer eyes too, right? RIGHT? And, in my haste, what should I do? I spill the kimchi all over my cock and balls. Now I am in a crazed fugue. I don't see nor hear anything except this flashing red sort of flashing in my eyes and I can hear my own screams. The guy up stairs is smashing on the floor thinkin this is just another instance of the wild sex me and The Woman Who Is Always Here have, see? but it ain't. ya know, of course, that chili oil is an oil, right? So, like oil, it is kinda napalm like when it sticks to yer eyeball or yer cock and yer balls. And a cock and balls is just as sensitive to chili oil as an eyeball, in fact, it is more so, because an eyeball can freely demand tears and become washed and even, when under extreme duress, make a sort of froth like a cat makes after it has tried to eat a slug. But a cock and balls, they must be took into the bathroom and washed lovingly, of which I have no fuckin time to do. And we got one of those fuckin spigots in the bath tub that is, for some reason, either too hot or too cold, see? Well, I squat down in there, with this foam like shit in my eyes and I am howlin like a dog and the fuckin ice cold water is streaming out of the valve thingie in the tub and I am screamin more and the fuckin guy upstairs, now, he is smashin on the floor and screamin too and fuck is he ever mad. But I can't hear him through my own screams, but The Woman Who Is Always Here can hear him and she goes up to tell him to calm down. Well, she comes back in a minute and she is carryin a jug of homoginized milk. The guy upstairs is from India and he sat on the floor to eat as a child and he also knows what to do when ya get pepper oils in yer eye, The WOman WHo Is Always here didn't say anything about my cock and balls, but only about me eye and I pour the jug of milk in my eyes and on my cock and balls and the groans of relief are audible all over the neighbourhood. When I went out later, to go to work, they is people hangin off they balconies and they is givin me thumbs up and winkin and one of em even said, "Whoa, Man, you have some wild parties in there eh?" Moral to the story. yes, you knew they was gonna be a moral to the story right?: Don't bend over yer food like a heathen bastard. Always remember to eat like a civilized person, at a table too, this it what tables are for, always tuck yer cock and balls into yer trousers and as an extra safeguard, tuck yer package under some good solid wood, like a table. And maybe, if yer gonna be a pig, wear some goggles.
Re: Most Painful #$%&# thing ever #$@&^% just happenned to $%##%^&% me: %$#@#%^&!!!! Goggles and Jock-strap would be adviced for you, ...
Re: Most Painful #$%&# thing ever #$@&^% just happenned to $%##%^&% me: %$#@#%^&!!!! I'm not sure how to respond to that I'll stand off a bit, wish you the best, and perhaps send a get well card, heh. Is this part of a reality TV show? Life with Biles?
Re: Most Painful #$%&# thing ever #$@&^% just happenned to $%##%^&% me: %$#@#%^&!!!! I feel for ya bro, and all I'm gonna say is...... Never fry bacon naked. Peace & Hair Grease PS. If you choose to fry bacon naked, and if the bacon grease spits out of the pan whilst doing so, and if it lands on the head of your cock, and if you get a blister, and if you try to explain it to your girlfriend, who is a nurse, just be prepared to not have sex for awhile. Or find a new girlfriend. Shit, that's what I shoulda done.......
Re: Most Painful #$%&# thing ever #$@&^% just happenned to $%##%^&% me: %$#@#%^&!!!! If you're gonna live like a cave man..remember; MAN, brings home the bacon.....WOMAN cooks the bacon....
Re: Most Painful #$%&# thing ever #$@&^% just happenned to $%##%^&% me: %$#@#%^&!!!! Whew....a little more info than I'd really want/need to know there... Chopsticks. If you're going to go primative then go all the way; squat by the firepit and eat. Now you know why the caveman would not bring the microwave/computer/big screen TV inside. If you're going to eat naked, then it should be with room service or on some tropical island being served by equally naked women...
