Kaikki kaksjalkaset kдy kanasta tikapuihin.Whoo needs a cunt.All twolegged from chickens to ladders suits me. Found few aviation jokes ...dunno if u heard 'em. Why Aircraft are better than women: An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time. Airplanes like to do it inverted. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.' An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection. Airplanes come with manuals. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits. You can fly an airplane any time of the month. Airplanes don't come with in-laws. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. It's OK to use tie-downs on your airplane Pierre, The Brave French Fighter Pilot Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over and says to Pierre "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and lashes it on Marie's lips. "What the hell are you doing, Pierre?" "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and starts kissing him. When things begin to heat up a little, Marie says "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre, what are you doing!" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! "Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!" One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the plane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're all gonna get killed!" Can't stop ..... A fighter pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine aircraft was running "a bit peaked." ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach." During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of US $1 million. The pen worked, and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" PS. Buy a plane ! http://airwarrior.afkamm.co.uk/AWhumour/buy_a_plane.shtml
Good one kangaa! The biggest suprise for a man in his life is that he gains age.Nice to hear you're able to be forever young afi. Childporn sucks,it's oldschool,now is grannyporn that's in.Same goes with the piercing thing,it's lame nowdays.What's hip now is amputation.
looooooooool @first- poor Fiat Ducato @second- poor guys btw- nice links- I don't know bout You guys, but i got'em in matter of seconds... 100-200KB/s
hahaha, jacobe.. i loved it I'll repeat myself from paralel czech forum Not long ago, my buddies got me to the pub. I had been assuring my wife that I would be back about midnight. Well the hours were passing by very quickly and the beer was going down very smoothly. At about 2:30 in the morning, drunken like a pig, i set up for a way home. As soon I entered the home, our cockoo clock came to life and cockood 3 times. Brisk idea emerged in my head - that my wife could be awaken by this - so I quick-witteldly cuckood myself 9 more times. I was really proud of my ability to avoid conflict situations (sic! ) in the state of being totally trashed. In the morning, when wife was asking me when i had came home, i told her with ease that it was at midnight. It didn't appear she guessed anything. WOW! I made it out of it!! Later she gave me a notice that we would have to buy new cuckoo clock to the hall. When I asked why, she replied: "Imagine this - in the night they cuckooed 3 times, then they said "Shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled some time, then cuckooed 2 more times and for the end they farted...
A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "it is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Some more airplane jokes! ---------------------------------------------------- Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!" "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!" An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with: Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. ----------------------------------------------- Overheard on Center frequency: Center: "Flight XXX, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Flight XXX: "Roger, but we are at FL350, how much noise can we make up here?" Center: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a A-340 makes when it hits a 747?" The controller who was working a busy pattern told the America West727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the America West 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!" An American DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport. It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a US Air 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though." Unknown Aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!" Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!" Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight." I was a Pan Am 727 FE waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crewmember. This was the conversation I overheard: Lufthansa 225: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Munich Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa 225: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unidentified person with a beautiful English accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war, you HUNS!" --------------------------------------- And a variation on the previous joke: The people at the ATC of Frankfurt-Airport aren't known for their friendlyness. Also, the airport itself is rather large so pilots get lost all the time.... One day a British Airways aircraft landed and here's the following discussion: Center: BAXXX, proceed to S4, then move to gate D-10. BAXXX: Roger, Center. The BA stopped on the taxiway so that the pilot could check his maps. While the plane was sitting motionless on the tarmac, the people at Frankfurt-Center showed their usual charisma and radioed: Center: What is the matter, BAXXX? Don't know where you should be going? BAXXX: No problem, Center. Just trying to find my gate on the map. Center (pretty damned pissed by now): Why? Have you never been to Frankfurt before? The BA pilot's response was just WONDERFUL: "Yes Center, I've been to Frankfurt back in 1944, but I didn't land that time....." --------------------------------
Two Polish partisans are caught in German ambush in a small village. They decide to hide in a deep well in centre of one farm. The Germans arrive and start too look around. Germans (G): MB we should look in the attic! Echo from well (Efw): in the attic, the attic, attic G: Or MB they're in cellar? Efw: are in cellar, in cellar, cellar... G: or MB they hide in this well and we should throw some grenades into it? Efw: are in cellar, in cellar, cellar...
Two Polish pilots approach the airfield in their small airplane. The Polish guy piloting the airplane suddenly shouts: "Oh my god, look at that! We're gonna crash!" and pulls up sharply, banks the aircraft, turns, cuts the throttle and impacts short of the runway, gear up.... The plane skids along and tumbles upside down, wings and other pieces flying around like confetti. In the end, an eerie silence settles. "Jacek, are you ok?" "Yeah Karol, I'm okay. And you?" "I'm fine, let's get the hell out of this wreck!" and they climb out. they stand there, panting and smoking a cigarette. "Hey Jacek", asks Karol. "What the hell happened?" "Man, have you ever seen a runway THIS short?" "Now that you mention it, it IS an absurdly small runway..." "Yeah, and look how friggin' WIDE it is, too!"
You know, a few years ago I won a prize in a "joke-telling-contest" in my home-town of Rotterdam with that joke. The prize was a meeting with Pope John Paul the second, in the Vatican. Well, I went to Rome, kissed the pope's ring and had a chat with him. Then he asked me: "Son, I've been told you came to me because you know a really funny joke. Could you please tell me this joke?" I replied: "But of course, father! I would be honored! OK, here it comes: Two Polish pilots approach the airfield in their small airplane. The Polish guy piloting the airplane...." but then the Pope interrupted me. "Hold it right there, son! Are you aware of the fact that I myself am Polish?" "Oh, I'm so sorry father! I'll start over and speak more slowly this time!"
once citizens asked hodja nasreddin, why he haven't made a personal homepage. - it's simple, - asnwered hodja, - when i have blessing of allah, i don't have ms frontpage. - but when you have ms frontpage? - those who have ms frontpage, won't have blessing of allah ever. ----------------------------- once hodja nasreddin switched to other mosque. having met hodja at bazar, mullah of previous mosque began to put hodja to shame. - you are wise man, - he said, - do you really think that your prays to allah will go faster and better from your new mosque? - many things depend on provider, - answered nasreddin. ----------------------------- when hodja nasreddin was a mullah, people begged him to pray for the rain for a good harvest. hodja really tried, but rain did not come. finally peopla started to speak that prays of new mullah don't reach allah. - my prays do reach allah well, - answered hodja, - but they seem to have some codepage problems.