After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in New Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He says "In Australia we have so many f#%king South Africans and Kiwi's that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice!"
A Czech man thinks he needs glasses, se he's going to get his eyes tested. He sits down in the chair, the doc turns out the lights and points at a line of letters saying "C Z W X N Q S T A C Z". He then asks: "Sir, can you read that?" "Read that?! Hell, I personally KNOW that guy!" (Lame, I know it )
There's this guy walking through Central Park, New York, when he suddenly sees a young girl being attacked by a vicious pit-bull. The guy runs up to the girl and wrestles with the dog, screaming for police help. By the time the cops arrive, the man has managed to brain the dog with a rock, killing the pitbull instantly. The police run up to him and one of them tells the man: "Sir, you are a genuine hero! Tomorrow everyone will be reading a headline like "Heroic New Yorker Saves Young Girl From Certain Death!" in the newspaper!". "Well mr. Police officer, that would be silly since I'm not from New York.", the man replies. "Oh, in that case the papers will read: ""Heroic American Saves Young Girl From Certain Death."" Now the man starts to laugh and says: "Well, actually, I'm no American either!". The cop is surprised and asks: "In that case, where do you come from?". "Well, I was born in Pakistan." ... The next day the following headline appeared in the papers: "Muslim Extremist Kills US Dog!!"
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning. He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?" "That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing. "I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor. Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed. The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?" Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!" So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?" Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?" "Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!" Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed. The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36." Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34." "Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life. "I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A man was sitting in a bar alone taking a drink..... ...as a very nice/absolutly best looking women came in! She went to the bar too, and took a drink! The man smiled to her, and she smiled back...this hapens 3 or 4 times, then she stands up, going straid to the man and said: "say no word, i do erverything u wish from me for 100 Euro, absolutly everything! But u must formulate you wish in only three words! you`ve only one chance for this!" the man looked very surprised, then he thaught about it for a minute..... ...took 100 Euro out of his Jacket, stared deep in her eyes and said: "paint my house" Hope my english translation of this joke isn`t so bad and i hope that it wasn`t in this thread some posts ago!
A ventriloquist goes hiking in Scotland and runs into a Scottish farmer. He talks with the farmer a bit and decides to fool around a bit. "Say, may I chat with your dog a bit?", he asks the farmer. "Nah mate, don' be silly! Dogs don't talk!" the farmer replies. The ventriloquist sits down in front of the dog and says: "Good afternoon, doggie! How are you doing?" To the farmer's amazement the dog seems to reply: "I'm doing great, thank you for asking. And how are you?" "I'm fine," says the ventriloquist. "Is this farmer your owner?" "Yes he is. And he takes great care of me! Always feeds me on time, plays with me, lets me run around a bit..." The ventriloquist stands up and asks the flabbergasted farmer if he can chat with his horse as well. "Nah mate, horses don't speak!" "Hi there, horsie! How are you doing today?" "Oh, just marvelous! My owner is soooo good to me! Just today he gave me a good rub on my back and fed me the hay I like best!" "Well, isn't that nice? You'd better be equally good to your owner than!" "I will surely be!" With that, the ventriloquist turns to the farmer once more (the farmer's mouth is hanging open by now) and asks him "Say, mind if I chat with your sheep as well?" "THE SHEEP IS A BLOODY LIAR!" For you, glas!
cannot remind wether this joke already was here: a man in the bar tells that his dog can speak. people don't believe him, and that dude offers a bet with everyone who don't trust him. after the deal is done, he turns to his dog and says: - tell something, my friend! dog doesn't react - hey, dear, people waiting! dog scratches and yawns - c'mon, you destroy me. you must tell something to these folks! nope. everyone laughs. frustrated he comes out of the bar, and says: - you don't even know how you let me down... dog answers: - relax pal. just think how much more we will win to-morrow.
(erroneously duplicated) _____________________________ here's another, about that diagram mentionned of letters of different sizes: oculist: "ok, you see this diagram and you must start reading the least letters". patient: "well, i can try, "Offset Print... Drawing 15000... order No RBD-30804... University press"
i posted these in another thread, but desreve to be in here. <S> enjoy. Say these real fast, these are famous quick one liner jokes, from Henny Youngman the Master of one liners. A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him "Nobody listens to me !" The doctor says, "Next !" I was just in London -there is a 6 hour time difference. And i'm still confused. Now when I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. "A guy calls his lawyer, and says, `Can I ask you two questions?' The lawyer says, `What's the second one?' " "This guy asked his doctor, `Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says `Sure.' And the guy says, `Funny, I couldn't do it before.' " "My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, `OK, you're ugly, too!' " Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that !" I told her, "You did it last week !" A Doctor says to his patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window." " and what will that do ?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor !" "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do ?" The doctor says, "Limp !" "I told the Doctor i broke my leg in two places. He said, don't go to those places !"
http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funnymovies/barfingdrunkguy.html <- lol Sebbo i can see u drank TOO MUCH
