Australia here I come. The questions below about Australia and are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the (sometimes brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the web site officials: Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney can I follow the railroad tracks? A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense Rattlesnake serum. A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
A good one My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test .we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........
A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS > > Son asked his mother the following question: > > "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" > > The mother looks at her son and replies, > > "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." > > The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his > father. > > "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" > > The father looks at his son in surprise and says, > > "Son, all household appliances come in white."
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity ... here's to you! 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.... 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 22. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people. 23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 25. How is it possible to have a civil war? 26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 27. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? 28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it? 30 Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old m an in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
I MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD Here are some of his brilliant one-liners. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me To time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, Yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I Went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the Kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early." My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
Velly good Chinese proverbs * Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. * Man who run in front of car get tyred. * Man who run behind car get exhausted. * Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. * Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. * Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. * Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~ * Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. * Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. * Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. * War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. * Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. * Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. * It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. * Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. * Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. * Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. * Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. * Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
