Little Johnny's teachers have been worried about him and so a group of teachers are studying him to see if he is emotionally disturbed. The main counselor asks him "Johnny, there are 10 birds on a wire. A hunter shoots 3 of them. how many are left?" Johnny says,"none." The teachers are puzzled... "okay, johnny, there are 5 birds on a wire and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?" "none." "Johnny, we're confused, can you explain?" "Well, heck," says Johnny, "when they hear the gunshot they all fly away." "Ohhhhh" say the teachers, "that is not the right answer but I like the way you are thinking!" Johnny turns to one of the young, buxom teachers and says "Miss Jones, here is a question for you. 3 beautiful women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream. One of them is licking it, one is sucking her cone and one is nibbling on the top and licking and sucking it a little bit. Which one of them is married?" Miss Jones puzzled but still thinking she is in charge says, "I think the one sucking it." "No Miss Jones, the one with the ring on her finger but I like the way you're thinking!"
Drunk walks up to a cop and says, "Officer someone stole my car." Cop says, "Where was it?" Drunk: "Right on the end of this key." Cop: "Go down to the station and fill out the proper papers and they'll help you get your car back." Drunk: "Thanks a lot officer." Cop: "Hey buddy before you go downtown you better zip up your fly." Drunk: "Oh man, I think they got my girl too."
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player? A: His amp. Q: How can you tell when a singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key, and never knows when to come in. Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A: A tattoo. Q:What do you have when you have 32 banjo players all in one room? A: A full set of teeth. Q: Why do bagpipe players walk when they play? A: They're trying to get away from the noise. ------ A bass player on a boat falls overboard and screams "I don't know How To Swim!" The guitarist tossess him his bass and says, "Here, fake it!" ------ The Lone Ranger is out riding on the plain and gets captured by indians. The chief says to him "You're a great warrior so I will give you three wishes to be granted one a day, untill we kill you." For his first wish the Lone Ranger asks to talk to his horse. The horse comes back in the night with a beautiful blonde on it's back who goes into the Lone Ranger's teepee where the chief finds them both in bed the next morning. The cheif says, "Thats an amazing horse, but we're still going to kill you." For his second wish the lone ranger again talks to his horse, who comes back that night with a beautiful red head on its back. Again, the chief finds them in bed the next morning. "The chief says, "I am really impressed with that animal, but we're still going to kill you tomorrow, so make your last wish." The Lone Ranger walks over to his horse and says "Listen to me you big stupid animal!!! I said posse! POSSE!!!"
i'd like to die as my granpa, during a quiet sleep; not crying in terrible hurts as his bus passengers
- weather suxx... - it's because of Gulf Stream. - is he a jew?! - no. a flow. - from israel?! - from america. - i new that! they jews enjoy sun while we are rotting here. - actually it's night over there. - where do you know everything from? are you jew?!
a squirrel was fucking a hazelnut. the fox shows up and asks him: "are u fucking stupid??!!?". the squirrel answers "no, i'm fucking nuts"
mb wrong thread, but... The latest poll taken by the Government asked people who live in Ireland if they think Polish immigration is a serious problem: 23% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 77% of respondents answered: "Zaden. To nie jest powazna kwestia przy calym."
statistics say that 20% of men are sleeping with 80% of women. recent update is that 80% of men ensure that they are from those 20%.
1) Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. GEORGE W. BUSH I don't think I should have to answer that question. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define "chicken" please? DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 2000. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I've not been told. KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the bequest of the President of the United States in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one???
2) Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From 1980s Horror Movies With the fast-approaching Halloween season here are some helpful hints: When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house -- move away immediately. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other place of the dead. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. Do not take *anything* from the dead. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
3) Haiku Error Messages A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask far too much. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. It is a fancy restaurant you find yourself in. But you may not place your order. For your server is down. Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist. There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
4) (oldies...) Accidental Accident Reports The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. %) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull. The power pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
· Hello, are you there? · Yes, who are you please? · I'm Watt. · What's your name? · Watt's my name. · Yes, what's your name? · My name is John Watt. · John what? · Yes, are you Jones? · No I'm Knott. · Will you tell me your name then? · Will Knott. · Why not? · My name is Knott. · Not what? · Not Watt, Knott. · What?
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said "Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."
Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence... Fookin' stop doing it then!"
http://forum.wbfree.net/forums/showpost.php?p=518165&postcount=58 weird... almost exact one year later
