Jim met John and asked him. Jim: " Do you want to hear the fastest joke on the world"? John: "Yup, tel me". Jim: "Do you want another one"..... ?
Two old blokes in their seventies are sitting in a bar, one of them is crying in his beer. The second guy says to his upset mate, "What's the matter?" The first guy says "Well you know I recently got married to a stunning 25 year old blonde. We are madly in love and, night after night, share the greatest sex I have ever had." The second guy says "Yeah, you are the luckiest bastard I know. So why the hell are you crying?" The first guy says "I can't remember where I live."
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous. Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. "Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat." The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "G*****mit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f****** thing about half an hour ago!"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog." I KNOW YOU SMILED
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!" The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus
A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?" The computer hummed away for an hour and then came up with the answer, "Yes." The generals looked at each other, stupefied. Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?" Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!." ----------------------- An Air Force Fighter Pilot - dressed to kill in his dress blues - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the captain and asked him, "Are you a real fighter pilot?" To which he replied, "Well, I fly F-16s every single day of the week, so I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women." A short while later she left, and the fighter pilot ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?" "I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." ------------------------------- A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back and took a leak."
If Noah had lived in Australia today, the Lord would have spoken to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went in a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah, but progress on Your Construction Program. I did my best but there were big problems." "Firstly I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes so 1 had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with the Occupational Health and Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed to be erected using certified scaffolding, or if a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices had to be installed. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with the City Council and it is now with the Land and Environment Court," he said. "I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on Cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood to save the Kookaburras. However, National Parks and Wildlife won't let me catch the Kookaburras, so no Kookaburras." "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Department of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now . I have 16 certified carpenters on the Ark, but still no Kookaburras," Noah said. "When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by the RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing in an Environmental Impact Assessment on your proposed world flood." "They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe." "Then the Department of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a complete set of UBDs and Gregorys." "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard." "The Australian Taxation Office then seized my assets, claiming that I am building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for the registration of my ABN for the GST. I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe the some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'." "I also need a Boat Drivers License, but they are debating about how to classify the craft. I am getting continual visits from Greenpeace, the RSPCA, Workcover, the Police Department, Environmental Auditors and numerous other government departments." "Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly, I don't have to. It appears that your Australian Bureaucrats have beaten me to it." "But I'll send a drought instead."
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a one-armed chickenfucker. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a one-armed chickenfucker too!" "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
Stolen from elsewhere: Mary and Phill had enjoyed a lovely date and at the end of the evening Mary invited Phill back to her place where they wound up in bed. After having the best sex ever they lay back and snuggled. After a few minutes Mary began strocking Phill's penis . Phill Commented "Surely, you cant be up for more already?" "No!" Mary replied " But every now and then I miss the good old days when I had one of these of my own.................."
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys which laugh when you tickle it under the arms. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00. The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's Door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the New employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole Line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. So The 2 Men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag Of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a Little Piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to Carefully sew The Little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager Bursts Into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together And Approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to Keep a Straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I Gave you Yesterday ..... your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
16:59:03) Schlafnicht: bayan-player Ziehharmonikaspieler (16:59:18) zapadlowsky: well, this is clear (17:02:19) Schlafnicht: therefore mother of bayan-player - Ziehharmonikaspielermutter a man who fucked mother of bayan-player - Ziehharmonikaspielermutterficker (17:02:26) Schlafnicht: pretty language Further experiments showed: Unglücks Ziehharmonikaspielerkusinegrobmutterficker - a looser who fucked great-aunt of bayan-player Unglücks Ziehharmonikaspielerkusinegrobmuttersohnficker - looser who fucked a son of great-aunt of bayan-player Unglücks Ziehharmonikaspielerkusinegrobmutterschönunverheir atetältersohnficker - a looser who fucked beauty single elder son of great-aunt of bayan-player Ziehharmonikaspielerkusinegrobmutterschönunverheir atetältersohnfickerkafigdeckelherstellewerkdirekto rerbtocher - a daughter heiress of head of plant producing caps for cages for loosers who fucked beauty single elder sons of great-aunt of bayan-player Unglücklich Ziehharmonikaspielerkusinegrobmutterschönunverheir atetältersohnfickerkafigdeckelherstellewerkdirekto rerbtocherliebhaberverehrer - unfortunate lover of a boyfriend of a daughter heiress of head of plant producing caps for cages for loosers who fucked beauty single elder sons of great-aunt of bayan-player (http://forum.wbfree.net/forums/showpost.php?p=517722&postcount=1817)
