In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's . He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked> around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... well .. almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty." ******************************** Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep." ******************************** A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want To see how you live on $800 a year". ********************************* A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" the drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
Little chicken necked Whitebread is in BIG trouble. He has been embezzling and now is sitting in court waiting to be sentenced. His lawyer told him he is prolly gonna serve a year in prison. He is kinda scared, bein a little, chicken necked Whitebread. So he starts working out with wieghts and he goes and learns some Jiu Jitsu. But he is still small and blonde and effeminate. He knows he is in BIG trouble. You don't wanna be a small, chicken necked Whitebread in prison... The big day comes and, sure enough, the judge sentences the guy to a year in a Provincial Prison. He goes through the gates, is strip searched and sprayed with delousing chemicals and has his cavities searched and his head shaved to a buzz and is issued some orange overalls and a pair of slippers and then escorted to his cell. There he meets his cell-mate. A very large African Guy. The very large African Guy introduces himself and is looking up and down, checking out his new 'room mate.' He says, "Here, there are no women. So what we in here do is, well, some of us are The Women and some are The men." The petite, blonde, chicken necked Whitebread is listening closely, with increasing dread. "I am an open minded guy and I think you and I are gonna get along real good. We gonna get to know each other REALLY WELL!" [rubs hands] "Would you like to be The Man or The Woman in this cell?" The Whitebread looks up from his funk, way way up to the African Looking guy and he says, "I get a CHOICE?" And the african guy says, "Yep, do you want to be the Husband or the Wife in this cell?" And the Little Whitebread thinks about it and then says, "Well, I think I want to be The Man - The Husband!" And the African Lookin guy he smiles and, again, looks the little Whitebread Guy up and down... and says, "I am de Wife?" And the whitebread nods. "You de Husband"" and then drops his pants, whips out a HUGE BLACK Horsecock and says, "Suck your wife's cock!"
Firewood "Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's a drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano and sets it on the counter. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Before long, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
Three Brazilian soldiers Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face,then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally,he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert . After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The f#ckin' funeral director would be my guess".
Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going". The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate". The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"? The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like?" The first guy says, "Doesn't matter... let's look for yours."
An Iraqi general summons Saddam's 48 body doubles to a safe house in Iraq. "I have good news and I have bad news" he told the doubles. "The good news is, Saddam is alive!" Everybody in the room gave a big cheer "Saddam!" "Saddam!" "Saddam!" "Saddam!" The Iraqi General then turned to the doubles and said, "The bad news is, he's lost an arm."
A woman in her 40s, after bearing children and breast-feeding them in her younger years, decides that it's time to make her breasts look young again. So she seeks the advice of her husband who gives her his blessing to meet with a plastic surgeon and discuss the procedure. When her husband returns home from work the next day, she greets him at the door with an excited smile and begins to tell him how her consultation went; showing him brochures and even an enhanced photo of how she'll look with her new breasts. Ever the skeptic, and against his primal urges, the husband asks the wife, point blank, "How much will this cost?" "$10,000" the wife replies. "$10,000?!?!?!?!?!? NO FUCKING WAY am I going to pay that much!" "Then what am I supposed to do?" asks the wife, in tears. "For less than $1 you can increase the size of your own breasts", he says. She looks at him strangely and asks,"How on earth do you propose I do that?" He replies, "Buy a roll of toilet paper, and a few times a day take a few sheets of the toilet paper and rub it between your breasts, and they'll get bigger." "How is that going to work?" she demands. "I don't know" he says, "but it WORKED ON YOUR ASS!!!!!!"
# 1 One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing. # 2 A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or the mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out." # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. # 4 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A CZ.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." # 5 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. US E THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." # 6 Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
a man came home and shouted "honey, happiness visited out home - i won in lottery!!!" wife answered sadly "dear, there is a disasted in our home - my mom died". husband exclaims: "byach!!! i got to a fortune train!!!" optician to visitor: "read that test poster on the wall please, as small letter as you can read" visitor: "order no.78430, offset print, circulation 15000 samples, published by acme pubs."
