Proper Care of Floppies 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. 8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive. (see item #2 above.) 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Life in the Middle Ages 1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. 2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." 3. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." 4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. 5. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." 6. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." 7. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." 8. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." 9. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. 10. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Ethnic Guide to Women 1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. 2. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 3. ITALIAN WOMAN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. 4. JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. 5. POLISH WOMAN: First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers. 6. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. 7. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. 8. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. 9. LATIN WOMAN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She is pregnant. Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
Yiddish for the Masses 1. Vay iz meer An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried out by Jewish mothers every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering. 2. Putz The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and solitary amusement. Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws. 3. Schmuck Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business partners. 4. Goyim: People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel. 5. Tattalah An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think. 6. Gefilte Fish A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only food it is permissable for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely. 7. Chaleria A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in- law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch". 8. Koorveh A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married. Also known as Nafkeh. 9. Kugel A yummy blend of overcooked noodles , raisins, and curds of ripe cheese. Not fun to look at. When lathered with sour cream makes an excellent artery hardener. 10. Borscht A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten by elderly Ashkenazic Jews who slurp noisily and have protruding nose hair. Which is helpful, because it stinks to high heaven.
THE CASE: A chicken is waiting beside a road. He crosses it QUESTION: Why has the chicken crossed the road? ------------------------------------------------------ DESCARTES: To go to the other side PLATO: Because it's good for him. Int he other side of the road he can find The Truth ARISTOTELES: It's in a chicken's nature to cross roads KARL MARX: It was historically unavoidable CAPTAIN KIRK: To get to a place where no chicken had ever before arrived MARTIN LUTHER KING: I had a dream where evry chicken was free to cross a road and there was no need for them to justify their acts MOSSES: And God came from Heaven and told the chicken: "Cross the road". The chicken crossed it and He saw that it was a good chicken. RICHARD NIXON: The chicken didn't cross the road, i repeat, he never crossed the road SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you're worried about why the chicken crossed the road reveals a strong feeling in you about your sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: We just finished the new program "OfficeChicken2006" which can cross roads, sit on eggs, archivate important documents... BUDA: Asking yourself such question makes you deny your own chicken nature SPANISH POLITICIANS: Maybe he crossed, maybe he didn't JOSE MARIA AZNAR: The chicken was crossing the road with humanitarian purposes SCIENCIOLOGY CHURCH: The reason is in you, but you still don't know it; for a simple payment of 1500$, plus the rent of a lies detector, we'll make a psychological analysis of the chicken that will allow us to know the reason BILL CLINTON: I swear over the Constitution that i never had any contact with that chicken. EINSTEIN: The fact that the chicken crosses the road or that the road moves under the chicken is relative to the referential. ZEN: The chicken can cross the road, but it's in vain. Only the Master knows the noise of his shadow behind the wall. STALIN: We must execute the chicken immediately, the witnesses too, and 10 more people chosen randomly for not having avoided this subversive act GEORGE W. BUSH: The fact that the chicken has crossed the road with full impunity, not respecting the NATO's resolutions, represents a severe attack against Democracy, Justice and Freedom. This proves undoubtedly that we should have bombed that road long ago. With the target of bringing peace to that area, and to prevent a new terrorist attack on the values we believe in, the government of the United States of America has decided to send 17 aircraft carriers, 46 destroyers, 154 frigates, 243.000 infantry soldiers and 846 bombers, whose mission will be, in the name of Freedom and Democracy, eliminate all trace of life in the hens 5.000km around, and assure, with the help of very precise missiles, that everything similar or that might look like a hen, will be reduced to asses and will never ever defy our nation again with its arrogance. We've decided also that, after that, the country will be ruled by us, and we will reconstruct hens according to current security laws, ruled by a chicken democratically elected by the Ambassador of the USA. To financiate this costs, will suffice the absolute control of the whole cereal production of the country for about 30 years, allowing the local citizens to obtain it with a special tax, in exchange of their complete cooperation. In this new country of justice, peace and freedom, we can assure you that never ever a chicken will try to cross a road again, simply because there will be no road to be crossed, and because chickens won't have legs. God bless America Sorry if the names are not completely right
>> Subject: Irish Maths >> >> >> >> >> >> An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he >> passes a little maths test. >> >> 'Here's your first question, the foreman said, "without using numbers, >> represent the number 9." >> >> "Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to >> draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Haven't you got a >> brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman. "Fair >> enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same >> rules using the number 99, this time." The Irishman stares into space >> for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and >> makes a Smudge on each tree. "Dere you go." The boss scratches his >> head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each >> of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and >> dirty tree. Dat equals 99." The boss starts getting worried that he's >> actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,"All >> right, final >> question: same rules again, but represent the number 100." The >> Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture >> again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "dere >> you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the illustration and bursts >> out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" >> (Thought you'd like this one.) whereby the Irishman leans forward and >> points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog >> came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and >> a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one >> hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"
The Ultimate Irish Joke- Best for ages! Just brilliant. Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
Toilet Cleaning Instructions 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
A vampire bat returned to the cave, blood dripping from his mouth... The other bats were excited and animated by the smell... What did you get? Where did you get it? What was it like? The other bats continued to bother the blood covered bat, so he said "Follow me" and led them out of the cave, down the gully, over the hill, through the village to the otherside. As he came over the crest of a hill, he stopped abruptly and said, "Do you see that big tree just there?" They all nodded excitedly, "Yes, yes! What about it?" they asked. "Well, I didn't", was his reply.
