Guy goes to a whorehouse. He pounds on the door and the doorman answers. The guy says, "I got five bucks. I want some action." Doorman says, "Five bucks? FIVE bucks? Jeez, just a minute." And he slams the door. After a few minutes, the doorman comes back and says, "Okay, gimme the five and follow me." So the guy does and they go up these steps and down a hall with lots of doors on both sides and the doorman opens one and pushes the guy in there. It is dark. The guy gropes for a light switch and turns the light on in the room and over there, he sees a chicken. He is pissed off now and too, he sees a big fuckin sign on the wall says, "No Refunds. No Excepetions." And he says to himself, "Ah shit." and goes for the chicken. Well, he has to chase the chicken for a while, it seems the chicken has seen it all before. He catches the chicken and he fucks it real good. The chicken is screaming and cackling and wigglin and the guy is thinking, "Wow, this is GREAT." And he don't last long either. After only a minute or so, he has the most intense orgasm he ever had see? And he is very very happy. He tosses the chicken into a tortured heap in the corner, cleans himself up a bit and walks outta there. . . . . Next week, he comes to the same place and he shows the doorman ten bucks. The doorman says, "Oh you again. Ten bucks? TEN BUCKS? Rrrrrrrr. Wait here." And he is gone for a bit and then comes back and says, "Yeah, ten bucks is fine, follow me. And the go up stairs and down the hall and the doorman shoves him into a room. In the room is a buncha guys lookin in peepholes. The guy thinks, "A fuckin PEEP SHOW? Fuck!" And he ain't happy. And he sees a sign on the wall says, "No Refunds. No Exceptions." So he joins the guys there all looking in their peepholes. He peeks in there and he sees a guy in the next room fuckin a chicken.
An eskimo goes to a mechanic to get his snowmobile fixed. The mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal." And the eskimo says, "No, it's just snot."
Q) What is the best thing about having sex with twenty nine year olds? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A) There are twenty of them
A Polack goes into a store and orders a kielbasa from the clerk. The clerk looks at him and says, "I presume you must be Polish." The Polack becomes offended and says to the clerk, " I presume you thought I was Polish just because I ordered a Kielbasa? What if I had ordered Egg Foo Yong? Would you have thought I was Chinese? Or what if I had ordered sauerbraten? I presume you would have thought I was German? Tell me then, why you had to presume I was Polish just because I ordered a Kielbasa?" The clerk shook his head and answered the Polack, "because this is a hardware store."
Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan. After being here for only a few months, he became very ill. He sought services from doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poopie in de bucket, piss on de poopie, and den put your head down over de bucket and breath in de fumes for ten minutes." Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, poopie in the bucket, pissed on the poopie, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?" The doctor said, "You were homesick."
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that,when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ----------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ----------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ----------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ----------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ----------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ----------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from sex for one whole month."The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and thehusband obviously very depressed."You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired."We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sexfor the required month...." the young man replied sadly.The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week wasdifficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed toabstain.""However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my waywith her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly."You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," statedthe Reverend."We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Bunnings (the hardware store) either."
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2004: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Tastes like chicken?] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Can you believe it?)
googled for Bunnings ... "Bunnings Building Supplies is the leading home/hardware supplier ... Bunnings Building Supplies is the leading home/hardware supplier in Australia with branches now open in New Zealand." LMAO
WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR! The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,"No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered,"The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me."
PUTS A DIFFERENT SLANT ON OUR NATIVE FAUNA A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! what are you doing?" The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" The koala looks down and says "Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Pocket alco-computer dictionary (applies for Vodka and other 40 proof) quantities: 0.1 l - demo 0.25 l - trial version 0.5 l - personal edition 0.7 l - professional edition 1.0 l - network edition 1.75 l - enterprise 3 l - for small business 5 l - corporate edition bucket - Home edition "hangover shot" - Service pack chicken soup - Recovery tool snacks - plugins related: moonshine - Open Source methyl - screensaver (black windows) technicolor yawn - stacks overflow blackout - restart liquor store - file server alkoholic - computer specialist moonshine producer - hacker a party - multiplayer (or LAN-meeting)
John: So Josh, how was Bruce's wedding last weekend? Josh: AWFULL John: But why? Josh: Just imagine, I was just dancing with the bride, when the groom approached us and kicked the bride straight between her legs... John: terrible- how is she now? Josh: She's all OK, but the fucker broke me two fingers
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT." AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED. SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KID's , AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED.. <Z>
Some things to think about Heres something to make you laugh while we wait out the 12 hour patch that is going on its 20th hour lol 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can u be born a poor blak man and grow up to be a rich white woman. EVER WONDER???? Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? how do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass? If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Can mute people burp? If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June? Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked? How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off? If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn?t you be able to go anywhere you want? If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off? Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do? Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary? ~~~~ On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
