It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him:"You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend." "You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking." "You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills." "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay ba#tard in fancy dress. Merry Christmas Everybody Mal
God is walking through the Garden of Eden, and he comes upon a very glum Adam, musing on a rock next to a pool. "Why so down, Adam? Don't you like the lovely garden I've created for you?" "It's not that, Lord. Your garden is beautiful, and it's filled with wondrous creatures and good things to eat. It's just that I'm so lonely." God says, "I could make you a mate, someone who would be your intellectual equal, who would meet your every need and satisfy your heart's desire... but it would cost you an arm and a leg." Adam ponders this for a minute. "Well, what can I get for a rib?" ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them. So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordily powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and...parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger. Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still got it?" "Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses. So Jesus kicked off the Birkenstocks and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter. "Must be those fucking holes in your feet," Moses responded. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mickey and Minny were in a divorce proceedings. The judge says: "Mickey, you can't file for divorce on the grounds that Minny is crazy." Mickey replies: "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Guy talking to a Pirate (The Pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch): What happened to your leg? Pirate: Well...It was a stormy night, the main spar fell on me leg. Me ship was headed for the rocks, I had to takes me faithful pocket knife and cut me leg off so's I could steer me ship away from the rocks. Guy: What happened to your hand? Pirate: Well...I was fishin', got too close to the water when a big ol' shark came along and bit me hand clean off. Got this nifty hook when we got to port. Guy: What about your eye? Pirate: Well...I was lookin' up when this sea gull shit in me eye. Guy: Surely that didn't cause you to lose an eye? Pirate: Well...Ya see, it was me first day with the hook. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Sebbo is walking along the beach and finds a lamp. As he's dusting it off a genie appears and tells him he's entitled to make three wishes, but whatever he wishes for Malino would receive double. He wishes for a trillion dollars, so Malino got two trillion. He wished for a mansion fully furnished and staffed in every country in the world, but Malino ended up with two each. For his third wish he thought long and hard. he finally turned to the genie and said: "For my third wish I'd like you to beat me half to death." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Due to the current financial situation, Management has decide to implement a scheme to put all workers over 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management feel appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your Manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. ---------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor is delivering a baby. The mother pushes, and the baby's head comes out. No Problems so far. Still with me? The mother pushes again, and the rest of the baby by comes out. All of a sudden, the doctor grabs the infant by the feet, starts twirling it over his head, and slams it against the wall. The baby's head implodes, spewing blood everywhere. The mother goes hysterical, screaming "What the hell are you doing to my baby?" The doctor replies "Just kidding, it was born dead!" --------------------------------------------------------------- Two arab guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not." His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes. Six people (one woman and five men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely --sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!! *On second thought.... Well, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, and the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so very bad that... (scroll down) (scroll down) (scroll down) they buried her!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------- A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her husband is impotent, and that they haven't had sex in over 10 years. The doctor gives the woman a bottle of pills and instructs her to give him one, and only one, pill per week. He then tells her to come back in one month to report on the progress. The woman returns home, slips one pill into her husbands dinner, and waits. Nothing. The next day she decided to give him another. Nothing. After 1 week of this, she decides, "To hell with this!, I'm tired of waiting!". That night she empties the remaining pills into her husband dinner and feeds it to him. Two months pass, and she fails to report back to the doctor. The doctor becomes curious and decides to pay her a house call. As he approaches the house he sees the woman's son. He asks the boy, "hey, how's your family doing?" The boy replies, "Mom's dead." "My sister's pregnant." "My butt hurts." "And dad keeps running around the house going, "here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
A Guide to the English Language In an effort to help our foreign friends please see the attached on the intricacies of the English language (Or in a shorter version a play on words) If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 22] I want it to be on record that I will record my Record. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the pluralof booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. Not quite a joke but fun all the same. Mal
Re: A Guide to the English Language Excellent stuff Mal, thanks Where did you dig that one up from? -glas-
hey Malino, i can tell u polish has more such stupid and far from logic examples but i suppose no use to put these in here
spuint .. nono imho english is much more confusing well..there's something too.. like "I don't have nothing" --------- nice stuff malino, tx
i hope nobody would get angry but english is simple its difficulty is about there are many short words, very similar to each other (i say, in general); in my lang, we pronounce words in situations u dont have to carry about in english; and this is polish difficulty; im not even sure how to explain this to english speaking ppl
Evidence All the evidence to the contrary is entirely dissuasive (< written right?) *gone with the wind*
Re: Evidence very simple - i just wanted to see how many forum users visit my little (only german language) homepage - the statistic is very intereresting. thank you - you are are catched
