Re: Evidence I'm having enough problems with the English let alone the German. Whats "Dissuasive" mean? Mal
Re: Evidence Well, to 'dissuade' someone from doing something is kind of like persuading them NOT to. f.e If I dissuade you from eating a piece of chicken, im persuading you not to eat it. -glas-
A guy who had led a bad life died horrifically and went spiralling down to hell where he was met by the Devil... "Hello there" said the Devil "Ummm... hello" replied the man. "Nervous?" asked the Devil "A little" said the man "Don't worry about it, we have a great time in hell... tell me, do you like to smoke?" asked the Devil. "I love to smoke... a smoked 80 cigarettes and 10 cigars a day!" "Thats great! Your gonna love Mondays... we chain smoke all day long... the biggest fattest cubans, joints, cigarettes. You name it, we smoke it.... Don't need to worry about Cancer cos ur already dead!" "Fantastic!" said the man. "You like to drink?" asked the Devil "I love to drink.... I used to drink a bottle and a half of whisky a day chased by a bottle of Vodka" "You'll love Tuesdays then... we get sh*tfaced all day long... every brand of alcohol you can name, and some you can't! Don't need to worry about Liver damage cos your already dead!" "Excellent! I think I'm gonna love it down here" exclaimed the man "You gay?" asked the Devil... "no" replied the man "oooh your gonna hate Wednesdays"
Q.Whats the difference between an essex girl and a bowling ball? A.You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball Q.Whats the diffrence between an essex girl and a washing machine? A.If you dump your load in a washing machine it won't follow you around for a week. Q: How may Essex girls does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?. A: Five. One to make the mixture and Four to peel the Smarties. Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge? A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks", submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! This is scary. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. Even more scary. P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
One day, Saddam Hussein's heart stops and he dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Saddam thought that sounded good and he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed-over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Saddam said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room; in it was Charlie Manson with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Saddam. The devil opened a third door. In it, Saddam saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Saddam looked at this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." regards, Oz
Q. What's best about receiving a blow-job from an Ethiopian woman? A. They ALWAYS swallow! -------------------------------------------------------- Q. Did you hear NASA found an Ethiopian on Mars? A. He was playing with a rubber-band -------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you get when you put a baby in a blender? A. I don't know 'bout you, but I always get a hard-on! -------------------------------------------------------- Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper? A. He accidentaly sold his soul to "Santa" -------------------------------------------------------- Two drug-addicts are arrested and forced into rehab. After a few weeks they are sent to a social worker who can set them up with a job. Well, jobs are scarse nowadays, so the social worker asks them if they'd be willing to help with a drug-prevention class in the local high-school. Since they've got nothing else to do, our dope-fiends agree and soon they're in front of their first class... Addict no. 1 walk up to the blackboard and draws two circles, a small one and a large one. He points at the large circle and says: "This is why you shouldn't do drugs. This large circle represents your brains before you started using them, and the small circle represents your brains after a prolonged period of abuse.". The next guy thinks: "Bugger off, I can do better then that!" and walks up to the blackboard. "HEY! PAY ATTENTION YOU LITTLE BRATS! Are you aware that drugs are illegal?" he shouts and points at the circles drawn on the blackboard. All the kids are shocked by this outburst and one of them squeaks: "Excuse me sir, but what his this got do with the picture the other man drew?". "Quite simple," the (former) addict now says in a kind voice, as he points to the smaller circle. "This small circle is your asshole BEFORE you go to jail, and the big circle is your asshole AFTER you've been to jail...."
This is an actual true story A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested... for arson...
Dear Abby, My husband is constantly complaining about my mood swings. So, the other day he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. As it turns out, when I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond ring. Sincerely, His Wife. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." enjoy. bullet
There was a 10-year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come ! in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just Happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just Caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the Baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the Disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!" lol bullet
@bizerk Oh no... there're plenty animals to choose from... why a frog? @all My share (beware->tasteless): John's 18th birthday, and since he wasn't a handsome man his dad comes and says: "since it's your 18th birthday here's a 200 Euro note, go to a whore and break your cherry at last" As he was asked, so he did, but on the way to whorehouse he met his sister Mary and after a short conversation she convinced John to have sex with her for 100 Euros, instead of spending whole money somwhere else. After all Mary, pleased and relaxed: "John, you're much better than dad is when it comes to IT" John, smokin' a cigarette: "I know" Mary: "How can you tell, that you know that you're better?" John: "Mom told me"
ahhhh frog!!! no mom-fucking jokes here, please what's the difference between a mutilated baby and a blender? A blender doesn't give me an erection. what's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a '57 Chevy? I don't have a '57 Chevy in my garage.
A guy comes into a gun shop and asks for a pistol. The shopkeeper asks him: "Well sir, what kind of gun do you have in mind?" The man points at a HUGE Smith and Wesson .44 magnum and says: "Well, that one looks about right." The shopkeeper sees that the man isn't all that familiar with weapons and says: "Well sir, for someone not really used to handling firearms this would be a poor choice. May I ask what you are planning to use this gun for? Target-shooting, defence, match-shooting?" The customer tells him: "Oh, just for fun. I just wanna go shoot some cans with it." The shopkeeper points at a smaller .22 and says: "Well sir, this weapon is perfect for plinking cans and targets, as well as a lot easier and cheaper to fire. So I suggest your try this one." The customer goes home with the .22 and swiflty returns to the shop, rather irate. "It didn't work. I want that .44." "Sir, I don't understand! A .44 is overkill for shooting cans. What was wrong with the .22?" "That little piece-of-shit gun couldn't even topple those cans I was shooting at!" At this point, the shopkeeper is truly and deeply lost. What the fuck is this guy talking about? "Sir, may I ask what kind of cans you're shooting at?" "All kinds of 'cans! Mexicans, Puerto-Ricans, Moroccans....." And for Afi: What's even cooler then nailing ten babies to a large tree? Nailing one baby to ten large trees. What's 50 cms, 7 pounds, purple, stiff and makes women scream all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome!!!!! What's the worst thing with lung transplantations? The first two or three times you cough, it ain't YOUR slime you'll have to swallow! Speaking of which... What is the difference between love, true love and just showing off? Spit, swallow and gargle!
