@afi & sebbo What's small, red and seated on the kitchen chair? A five year old kid who got a razor blade for his birthday And what's small, green and also seated on the kitchen chair? Same kid.... Two weeks later
Dear sir I write this note to you to tell you of me plight For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight Me body is all black and blue, me face is deadly grey And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today Whilst working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear To haul them down from such a height was not a good idea The foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod He said I'll have to cart them down the ladders in me hod Now clearing all those bricks by hand it was so very slow So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below But in my haste to do the job I was so blind to see That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead Well I shot up like a rocket 'til my dismay I found That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down The barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped And when I reached the top I banged the pulley on me head I hung on tightly, numb with shock from this almighty blow And the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below And when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor I then outweighed the barrel and started down once more Still hanging tightly to the rope my body wracked with pain When halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again The force of this collision halfway down the office block Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock Still clinging tightly to the rope I sped towards the ground And landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round I lay there rolling on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst But the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope As I lay there screaming on the ground I let go the bloody rope And the barrel then being heavier, it started down once more And it landed right on top of me as I lay across the floor It broke two ribs and my left arm, and I can only say That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today
@kangaa-> nice english BTW- do You know, that the story described is true (apart from the height-it was 3rd or 4th floor) I saw video of this once.
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... > > First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. > > Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" > > Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. > > Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. > > Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are ****ing impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
reminded me this anecdote: he knocked into village veterinar shop and came in. - doc, i shot my foot with shrapnel. bad luck at hunt. - man, i'm not a doctor, you see. i cure animals. at last i have medi-tools, but i have no anesthetics. i cannot operate you. - that's okay. i'll stand the pain. just cut that shrapnel out. - you sure? alright. keep tight ... - man, you must be as strong as stone. i poked your foot, and you never ever screamed. my respects. - ah, it was only third pain in my life, i could easily tolerate that. - and what was two pains greater than this one? - second was when i was hunting. i felt some problems with my stomac and sat to shit. and my balls fallen into bear-trap. - ouch!.. that must be hurting... i cannot imagine what can be more painful than that... - i though that too until i jumped up to run. the trap was tied to a log.
You know you're living in 2004 when: 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You email your mate who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have email addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. And the real clinchers are... 13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends". 15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net. 16. You are too busy to notice there was no No.9 17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9 18. And now you're laughing inwardly for just making a fool of yourself.
some additions in three sick catagories: Dead babies; Q: What's sicker than a dumptruck full of dead babies? A: The live one at the bottom eating his way to freedom! Incest; Mary goes and asks her dad if she can borrow the car. "Suck my dick." he says. "What?" "If you suck my dick, I'll let you borrow the car." So reluctantly Mary start pollishing Daddy's knob and suddenly exclaims "You cock tastes like shit!" "Yeah, your brother needed the car this morning." beastiality; A guy sits down in a bar and orders a drink. As he's sitting there he notices a huge punch bowl full of 50 dollar bills on a shelf behind the bartender. "What's with the bowl?" he says. "You bet fifty dollars on whether you can do three things. If you do you get all the money." "What three things?" "Well first see that 300lb, 6'5" bouncer over there? You gotta kick his ass. Then, we have a pit-bull terrier out back that needs one of it's teeth pulled. Lastly upstairs is the oldest ugliest prostitute in the county and you gotta fuck her." So the patron hands over a fifty and says "OK, I'll do it but give me three shots of liquid courage first." He drinks his three shots and goes over and starts beating on the bouncer. he takes a lotta hard licks but finally knocks him out. "OK, give me another couple of shots and I'll take care of the dog." He goes out back and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screamming, barking and howling, until finnally, the guy comes back in and says "Now where's that whore with the bad tooth?"
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper?" Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Anti-Semitism in Europe, terrorism in Israel, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Neo-Nazi newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
LOL @ EXEC!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! 5 stars! Oh man, I can't WAIT to tell that joke to a Jewish mate of mine! He's gonna love it! Here's another one: Moshe Cohen is an old Jewish guy, living in poverty. Then one day, he is sitting at home watching TV when the doorbell rings. He opens the door and to his amazement, he sees a camera-crew standing there. A guy wearing a suit walks up to him, shakes his hand and says: "Mr. Cohen? Congratulations sir! You have won the first prize in the lotteries! That's 10.000.000 euros for you! What are you going to do with this money, sir?" He just stands there, thinks for a while and says: "Well, I am going to move to nice villa, with a huge fountain in front of, and in the middle of the fountain I am going to have a HUGE marble statue of Adolf Hitler." The guy in the suit is flabbergasted and mutters: "But Mr. Cohen, you are Jewish, right? Have you forgotten about what this guy did to your people?" "Nebbish," responds Moshe. "I don't care what he did to my people. I only care about what he did for me!" "Well sir, what DID he do for you then?" Moshe rolls up the sleeve of his shirt and shows his tattooed serial-number: "He gave ME the winning lottery numbers!"
haha (well it took me few secs,, lol it took me another few secs now to see the tattoo thing is written there-- overlooked it )
There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw." But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles." The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas." So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth. -------------- Q. What do you get when you cross a black with a Jew ?? A. A kid who feels guilty about being on welfare. -------------- The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed. The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker, entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?" "Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?" ----------------- Two women are in the vegetable aisle at the grocery store and they come to the potatoes. One of the women picks up two of the larger potatoes and says, "Gee, these are just like my husband's balls." The other woman asks, "that big?" To which she replies, "No, that dirty." ------------------ The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For example: - USA uses USS which means "United States Ship." - The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship." and now... - Italy is using AMB which means "At's-a My Boat!" ----------------- An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God,"says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that." ------------------- A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection. A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood. She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?" The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?" ------------------- A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven. The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left. The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left also. The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, "I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays, and took care of my family. St. Peter tells her to step to the right. She immediately asks him, "Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?" St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to go to the beauty parlor first?" ------------- Employee: "I'm sorry boss, but I can't come in today. My doctor says I'm suffering from Anal Glaucoma." Boss: "Anal Glaucoma??? What the hell is that?" Employee: "Well basically, I just can't see my ass coming in to work." ----------------- A man and a woman had just completed their first date with eachother. All he asked for was a little good-night kiss, but she refused him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on a first date!" "Well," he replied, "how about on a last date?"
