Traditional capitalism : You have got 2 cows. You sell one and buy bull. Your herd continously grows and you are slowly getting richer. Eventually you sell herd and you live happily ever after of received money. American capitalism : You have got 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your joint stock company while using credit founded in the bank by your brother-in-law. Then you execute "debt/equity swap" such that you get back all 4 cows together with tax benefits for 5 cows. You transfer via intermediary rights for milking for 6 cows to company in Cayman Isles, which is secretely owned by majority shareholder. He sells right to all 7 cows to your registred company. According to the annual report your company owns 8 cows with option for 1 more. You sell 1 cow such that 9 remains while for received money you buy new president of the USA. Shareholders buy back your bull. Australian capitalism : You have got 2 cows. You sell one and you force the remaining one to give milk like four. You are wondering when she peg out. French capitalism : You have got 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3. Japanese capitalism: You have got 2 cows. By complex care you shrink them to the size of 1/10 of normal cow while they milk 20 times more. Then you create game Cowmikon describing them and you sell it all over the world. German capitalism : You have got 2 cows. By engineering adjustments you achieve that they they live 100 years, feed once a month and milk themselves alone. British capitalism : You have got 2 cows. Both are mad. Canadian capitalism : You have got 2 cows. As a matter of fact they look rather like twosome of mooses and actually they are. One speaks french, second english. One fights for establishment of a new country, second fights back. Both of them play decent hockey Italian capitalism : You have got 2 cows only you don't know where. You take a break for lunch. Russian capitalism : You have got 2 cows. You start counting them and you come to number of 5. You count up them again and you end with number 42. You re-count them and you got 12 of them. You let up counting and open another bottle of vodka. Swiss capitalism : You have got 5 000 cows and you own none of them. You take incredible fees for their housing. Chinese capitalism : You have got 2 cows. You have got 300 workers who milk them. You announce in public full employment rate and high productivity of cows. You imprisone journalist who made public number of cows and you keep him in prison without legal proceedings. Kiwi(NZ) capitalism : You have got 2 cows. The left one is quite cute... Czech capitalism : You have got 2 cows. One of them is your wife, the other is your mother-in-law.
Subject: THREE KICK RULE A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, ifyou don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." (I love this part....) The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the damn jar open."
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need." The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?" Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning." So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed. The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again." So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see." To which the mother replied, "April fool!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, "Water!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Got any money?" The guy shakes his head no and again says, "Water!" The bartender says, "No money, no water." The guy looks around and spots a spittoon. He tells the bartender, "Guess I'll have to drink this." The bartender replies, "Be my guest, no money, no water." Customers see the man drinking out of the spittoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves. The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking. As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth off. The bartender asks, "Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding." The man responds, "I couldn't stop." "Why not?" the bartender asks. The guy replies, "Cos it was all one long string!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading." "Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement." Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt." Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies." Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done. At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy. Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?" All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A ventriloquist walked up to an Arab and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk." Arab: "Horse no talk" Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?" Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk." Arab: "Dog no talk." Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?" Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk." Arab: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?" The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese." The First Officer said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese." And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike." Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew." The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg ... no mattah ... all same." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."
reply to sebbo -dad, can i taste a cookie? -no legs, no cookie. -------------- a stewardress is going thru passenger salon and sees a man suffering from air-sickness, with his packet is amlost full of vomit. other passengers are laugning. she runs back to service room for another packet. when she returns, she sees everyone are vomiting in their packets, and that man is laughing. -what's happened? -ah, all folks though that this packet will overfill now. but i gulped from it. -------------- a man encounters another in the dark lane with his hands in the pockets of the coat. the latter says: -hey, bro, can you give help me? -well, probably i can -i want to piss, but i cannot. could you unbutton my pant-fly and assist me in pissing? -nope. -c'mon, man, you done it many times with your penis. it will be easy to the same with mine. -i don't want that. -i'm just dying. my bladder will burst right now! -well... okay. he helps him pissing: unbutton the fly, extract the dick, hold it while that man pisses, packs the prick back and fastens the pants. -ok. i did it. -oh, thank you many times!!! you just saved my life! thank you again! -ergh... why you could not do it yourself? he extracts gets his hands out of pockets, breathes at them, rubs them against each other and answers: -it's damn cold at this lane. -------------- let's take two those man again. okay. one meets another. that man is giving a chalk to first. -hey man, draw a square at my back -?! -please -okay, - he draws a square -now, divide it with vertical lines into 10 stripes, and the intersect them with horisontal lines to get 100 little squares... good. then mark the columns with letters A, B, C etc... and rows with digits 1, 2, 3, and so on... well done. now could you do me a favour to scratch my back at D4? -------------- a dragon catches three humans, englishman, frenchman, and eskimo. -i will eat you and you cannot save yourself... except the one of you who will astonish me. now you go to your cells each with two silver balls from me. you have one hour to invent something. 60 mins passed. dragon visits those men. egnlishman demonstrates his miracle: he waves his hands and balls fly around the cell. frenchman gives orders to balls and balls march and reorder on the floor. -where're your balls, eskimo? -well, i broke one and lost another...
EVER WONDER... ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? ...why doctors call what they do "practice"? ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? ...why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food? ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour? ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ? ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains? ...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? regards, Oz
Handy phrases for backpackers in the Middle East: 1 Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan. Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. 2 Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters. 3 Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. 4 Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart. 5 Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. 6 Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life. 7 Balli, Balli, Balli Whatever you say. 8 Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. 9 Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
What household pets are thinking.... Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!" Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? FUCK NO!" Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge." Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, asshole. There's a new one!" Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs." Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it." Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..." Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring." Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass. Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..." Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop." Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again." Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!"
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Do they look different reversed?) *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else, in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The.husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes me shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm.... I won't touch THAT one!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? did the govt. pay for this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their arses
Q: How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant? A: The kid stutters --- A reporter is interviewing a 104-year-old woman. The reporter asks, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The woman replies, "No peer pressure." --- Two students were taking a college chemistry course. They did pretty well on all the work going into the final. They did so well, in fact, that they each had a solid A grade. Having such a good grade made them so cocky that they decided to party with some friends rather than study before their final exam. They had such a good time, they didn't get back on campus until early on the morning of the final. Rather than take the final in their condition, they told the professor that they had been on their way back in plenty of time to study but got a flat tire. They had no spare and had great difficulty getting help, so they asked to take a makeup exam at a later date. The professor agreed they could take the test the next day. The students were overjoyed and studied that night, confident they would keep their good grade. They were on time at the examination hall and were placed in separate rooms. Each was handed a test booklet and told to begin. The first problem was quite easy and worth five points. Their confidence soared even higher! They completed the problem and turned the page. It said, "For 95 points, which tire?" --- "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle) --- Subtitle of a Hong-Kong movie Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person <Z>
